Lady In Red

I really need to remember to stop trying to hope. Seriously.

I admit that a part of me is addicted to hoping that someday everything will work out and be fine. Perhaps that’s the closest thing to faith, the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen, that I’ll ever have. Yet it’s something I need to stop trying for.

You see, the hurting, beaten, broken little boy inside me wants so bad for things to stop always turning to shit. The little dude in me has been aching for things to turn out for good all his life, and in a way still does. Yet the logical part of me, the part which learns from experience, knows that this probably won’t happen. Sure, things will seem like they’re going fine, or even “good,” for days or weeks or months. The end though is always the same.

Once again the little boy inside who only wants to be happy and free, to love and be loved, to live without regrets or fear, to be able to forgive and like himself, always ends up getting kicked in the teeth.

Someone needs to remind me to go and re-read a good portion of my diary whenever I start making entries about how things are looking up or how I think I might be getting happy or how the future isn’t looking all that bad.

There’s a fire burning inside me that consumes me more each day. Was it lit by God? Did the spark of life come from the infernal fires below? Or was it something I unknowingly did to myself many years ago?

Whatever the answer, nothing puts it out. Nothing can completely suffocate the blazing heat that scorches my soul and clouds my thoughts. Occasionally it will seem to die down, but it’s always just exhaling…waiting to draw in another ferocious breath and flash back with more intensity than before.

At times I feel so much that words can’t describe it and it’s overwhelming. Other times I can’t feel a damn thing. Then sometimes, perhaps it’s the alignment of the stars or of my soul or of some other mysterious forces…but sometimes those times overlap. Sometimes I feel all and nothing at the same time.

There is a woman I’ve known for years. Sometimes I love her and sometimes I hate her. She’s one of those people who are constantly in and out of your life. She’ll be gone for weeks or months and yet somehow always seems to pop back in at the most opportune times (or inopportune times depending on your view). Her piercing, metallic gaze is mesmerizing. The way she always shows up wearing shimmering red makes me lose track of everything. I hate her and yet I always bow to her will.

Or perhaps it’s my own will.

So many things fly through my mind. Do I give in? Do I try and escape even though I know that if I get away and she gives up her chase, she’ll eventually be back anyway?

If only I could sleep, perhaps she’d be gone when I awake. Yet between the struggles to actually fall asleep and the frequent nightmares that now litter my usually pointless and stupid dreams, I don’t foresee that happening.

Any hope that still remains for me rests in one thing. In a way, it’s a make-or-break situation. If it works out for good, it could be the greatest salvation I’ve ever known. If it somehow turns to shit, there will be no getting up for me. The biggest downside here is waiting for my hope to manifest and come to pass. 369 days sometimes seems like an eternity.

I really don’t know where this is going. Perhaps I just felt the need to ramble. Perhaps it’s an attempt at self-distraction. Perhaps it’s just the overflow of what has been slowly building in me for a while, but that I’ve been trying to ignore.

I wish my nemesis in red would leave me for good. I can’t wait for the day her replacement steps in. I can’t wait for the day I can see her gasping for her last breath and watch her eyes glaze over as she lies alone on the ground, just as she’s left me so many times before.

I hope I can kill her before she kills me.

*
“She seems dressed in all the rings…
Of past fatalities
So fragile, yet so devious
She continues to see
Enter the night that she came home
Forever
*
She is everything and more
The solemn hypnotic
My Dahlia, bathed in possession
She is home to me
*
Hard to say what caught my attention…
*
Slipknot