Isaiah

Although it’s been a while since I’ve written about things that just popped into my head from nowhere, I had one tonight that I can’t quite shake and hence is ending up in here.

The little mental question appeared in my brain as I was making my way from my parent’s house to Home Depot to buy a new snow shovel (yes, I got 6-8 inches of the fluffy white shit from the heavens). I was just driving and thinking of nothing in particular while I was listening to Like A Stone by Audioslave (which is a bit strange since I’m really not a big Audioslave fan).

So there I was, traversing my way through the streets of my somewhat tiny Minnesota town and this thought came out of nowhere. “Which would be worse? To live a life with a potential for being happy and yet dying miserable because, for whatever reason, that potential was shunned in favor of other less-pleasant things? Or to live a life of doing something(s) that bring happiness and dying…well, I dunno if I’d say ‘happily,’ but less miserably?”

Perhaps the reason I’ve been pondering this is because there are so many times in my life when I should be happy and yet, for whatever reason, I’m not. It could be that some little thing has gotten to me and it seems my world is falling apart. It could be that something or other isn’t going the way I wanted it to and I’m ready to end it all. It could be that I’ve just spent so much of my life being depressed that it’s still the most natural way for me to be, and thus is easy to fall into.

Or it could be something else.

I do think though that it would be better to at least be happy while alive. I can’t say for sure what that would entail, but I’ve got a few ideas. I really have no clue what will happen when I die, but it’d be nice to be happy in the present.

One thing I find kind of funny is how I don’t think that God (or any supernatural, supreme being) exists, and yet I think that it’ll suck after I’m dead. Or that there will even be anything after I’m dead.

Christians would most likely try to point to this as proof that the Bible is right when it says that everyone is born with the knowledge of God in their hearts (or wherever it is that makes us who we are). Or maybe it’s just due to the fact that the whole God thing was drilled into me over and over for so many years and I have a tendency to always ask, “But what if…?”

As much as I like to think that I’ve made up my mind about God and all, to be brutally honest I really don’t know what to think.

I know that if the Bible is true, that I should’ve known God and had a relationship with him a long time ago (when I thought I was a Christian). But then again, maybe there was some key thing that I missed. Maybe I was never really repentant. Maybe I never really wanted to love God honestly and just wanted to do what I needed to so I could avoid hell. Maybe there really was something missing.

There are lots of times when I want to be mad at God and hate him (which again is a bit strange if I don’t think that he’s real). Then there are other times when I think it would be nice to have the God of the universe on my side (or for me to be on his) and to take care of me or help me or do the things that there’s no way I could do on my own.

Considering the number of things I’ve fucked up in my life, the number of people I’ve hurt (especially the ones I care most about), and the number of ways I’ve helped fuck up other people’s lives, I have a lot of things I wish I could forget or undo. That alone makes heaven look rather appealing. Especially since in the book of Isaiah (yeah, here’s a little blast from my past) where it’s talking about heaven and all, verse 17 of chapter 65 says, “For, behold, I create new heavens and a new earth, and the former shall not be remembered, nor come into mind.”

Ahhh…to be able to forget.

If that’s what heaven will be like, then perhaps hell will be the opposite. An eternal infomercial of all I’ve done that I regret and all the chances I had to do good or right or be happy that I turned down.

I really don’t know where this is going, or even where I wanted it to go. I suppose it’s hard to miss a target if you never aim for one, so I can’t say I’m disappointed by how this has turned out.

Maybe I just need to think less and sleep more.

*
“On my deathbed I will pray
To the gods and the angels
Like a pagan to anyone
Who will take me to heaven
To a place I recall
I was there so long ago
The sky was bruised
The wine was bled
And there you led me on
*
And on I read
Until the day was gone
And I sat in regret
Of all the things I’ve done
For all that I’ve blessed
And all that I’ve wronged
In dreams until my death
I will wander on
*
Audioslave