I Don’t Wanna Die Today

I really should have seen this coming. It’s like I’ve felt it in my chest for a while now, but only today did the scales fall from my eyes.

I spent my day doing the same thing I usually do. I was riding on top of 70-some feet of metal and machinery as I cruised the highways. The sun was burning brightly while trying to tug the temperature into a more hospitable range, as if it was a locomotive pulling a heavy load up a mountain.

Being as how I am usually bombarded by thoughts that my subconscious decides are worth bringing to the attention of my conscious, I figured I’d crank the radio. “Perhaps,” I thought, “The sound waves will pacify my brain so I can just zone out.”

In an effort to become more detached from what I was seeing out of the windshield and mirrors, I turned on the cruise control and tried to concentrate only on the music. Somewhere in between “Take me home tonight” and “Walk this way” I understood what it is to be completely free. Right then, that’s exactly what I was.

At that moment, all of the addictions that have plagued me all my life were just wisps of smoke in a hurricane. The demons of depression that have ridden my back for years were helpless, toothless geriatrics sitting in an old folks home filling their own pants. The usually-constant worries of finances were like vague, long-lost memories from childhood. The ache I normally feel from being so far away from those I love became irrelevant, as suddenly they were just as real in my heart as if we were sleeping on the same couch.

The scenery kept moving by in seemingly perfect time to the music coming from the speakers. Although I was on a road I’ve driven hundreds of times before, I found a secret hole in the universe where what was outside of my vehicle wasn’t entirely real.

Then I became aware of something a little different. It was something in my chest.

It was more than just a heartbeat and more than just breathing. It wasn’t entirely tight, but there was a tremendous force and pressure behind it. Just as some can feel the ocean breathe as they watch a wave build from afar, I could feel something swelling inside me.

My subconscious then took over all my mechanical responsibilities so that my conscious could focus on figuring out what that peculiarity was. It was something so simple, and yet so revolutionary. The crescendo that was building in my chest finally broke through to my mind.

One single thought.

One single phrase.

One single sentence.

“I don’t wanna die today.”

I tried to remember how many years, or perhaps decades, it has been since I had ever honestly thought that. Yet here I was, staring this phrase straight in the face and it was true.

It’s impossible to explain what it’s like to think that after so long. To not hate myself, to not regret the things I’ve done, to not blame myself for things that happened that really weren’t my fault. It’s impossible to describe the release of dropping all the chains that have bound me, even if it’s only temporary.

Most of the circumstances in my life haven’t changed. Those I love are still two states away. I still owe enough money that I can hardly comprehend it. I still have the memories of all that I’ve done and gone through in my life. There are still situations I’m helpless to change.

In spite of all that, I don’t wanna die today.

*
“I’ll stay right here
With all these familiar faces
And shut-out everyone else
From the world we created
Instead of becoming sick and twisted
I’ll lose myself in a song again.”
*
Sevendust