Hypnotized & Haunted

How exactly is a person supposed to describe a good day?

I woke up early, watched the newest version of The Exorcist, then fell asleep for a couple of hours on the couch. When I opened the blinds, the sun was burning bright to greet me. The crispness of the winter air is slowly being driven away by the tilt of the earth as my tiny part gets more sunlight to warm the air.

Even though it was a good morning, it would’ve been better with You here.

I got off the couch and, before hopping in the shower, put away some laundry I did last night. While I was pondering things in the shower as I usually do, my thoughts somehow took a turn in a direction they go often. They turned to what the future holds, how some things will change and some will stay the same. I considered just how different I am, for the better, compared to before we met.

After running the water heater dry of hot water, I got out and got dressed and stuck some food in the oven. The thing about living alone is that the only things that are really packaged for consumption by a single person are microwave dinners, which I don’t like and always have to eat two or three of to fill me up.

It would be much better if You were here to help me remedy that.

I threw in another DVD and watched it while my food cooked and then while I was gorging myself on turkey and mashed potatoes (and yes, gravy too).

There’s something rather hollow about watching movies by myself though. It wasn’t always like this, because there was once a time when I had never had You in my arms. There was once a time when You had never fallen asleep and used my chest for a pillow. There was once a time when I never knew what I was missing. Now I know and although I can survive without You for a while, it’s not something I can do forever.

Yet I wouldn’t trade the chance to hold You for all the movies in the world.
My little brother called and asked me to go to my parent’s house, and so I did. We all called my brother who is in the Army in Germany, who got a chick pregnant and is getting married in nine days and is also getting sent to Afghanistan next month.

After the phone call, my dad broke out the camcorder so we could make them a DVD of “happy wedding” wishes and things like that. My little brother Jared decided to haul all the b-b guns out first though, so Jared, myself, and my sister were shooting stuff while my dad was taping.

Hope the German chick doesn’t have anything against families who shoot stuff together.

Even though it was nice to be together and make something for my brother, it still would’ve been better with You here. It would’ve been nice if we could’ve been shooting stuff together (since Nate got to see You shoot things and I never did).

When I got home again I did some cleaning. As I waited a few minutes for the carpet freshener to sink in, as the directions say to, I was sitting on the couch watching the smoke from the incense dance around the room. Sometimes it would just go straight up until it hit some kind of invisible ceiling. Other times it would twirl and swirl and spin like a crowd of people at a formal waltz.

The smoke seemed to hypnotize me as I sat there watching it. It turned into a cloud in my living room that took up residence between my ceiling and the point halfway to the floor. My thoughts faded away as I watched it dance, and dance, and dance some more, with the afternoon sunlight coming in through the windows behind it. There was only one thought that I could hold on to…

I wish You were here with me to see this.

True, it wasn’t anything super or spectacular. It wasn’t anything that You couldn’t see at your own house. But any and everything can be enhanced when You and I are together.

Eventually I got around to doing the rest of the cleaning that I was working on. Even though I did what I was planning to do, part of me was still longing to be with You (as always). Then I realized that even though I hate doing housework, it wasn’t all that bad because in one way or another I was doing it for You. In either direct or indirect ways, everything I do is partly or wholly for you. The things I clean, the hours I work, the bills I pay, and everything else always somehow works to bring about being able to see You again.

Then every time I see You I wish that for just once that it wouldn’t end.

Thank You for being what you are to me, and being as important as You are to me. Thank You for being who You are. Thank You for how You’ve changed me and for how You’ve given me something to hope for and look forward to. Thank You for haunting my thoughts and dominating my subconscious.

I miss You intensely, but I love You more than words can say. Someday things will be better. Someday we’ll never have to say “goodbye.”

*
“One of these days you’ll break me of many things
Some cold white day, but you’re crazy if you think
I would leave you this way
You should take off before the wrath comes
(Me and you) Could take off before the wrath comes…soon
*
And one of these days I pray it will be soon
On a day like today, you’d be crazy not to want me
To teach you the way
You should take off before the wrath comes
(Me and you) Could take off before the wrath comes…soon
*
Deftones