Hope Addict
Yes, I am an addict.
Ive been an addict for as long as I can remember. I doubt Im alone though. Humanity thrives on addiction. Addiction motivates. Addiction gives purpose. Addiction maintains life.
When I was a child I didnt have an entirely happy childhood. No, I wasnt abused by parents (not physically anyhow). I wasnt molested. I didnt witness anything overly traumatic.
I did have more than a few run-ins with bullies though. And I was addicted to the thought of revenge. I was addicted to wanting to hurt those who hurt me. I spent hours upon hours thinking of ways to exact retribution from those who owed me.
As I got older, I found an escape in music. Since my parents were strict Christians and my music of choice was things like Nine Inch Nails, White Zombie, Pantera, Nirvana, and such, my selection of auditory distraction wasnt kosher with them.
The day after I turned 16 I got a job and I worked my ass off. Back then, minimum wage was $3.25, yet within two months I had bought a stereo and over 125 CDs. One night though, my dad brought me home from work and informed me during a two-hour lecture that he had gotten rid of all my music because it was bad for me. After the lecture, he made me go with him to a revival meeting at church and forced me to go up front to get prayed for.
I got home that night and got his rifle, took the bullets out of the safe, and was fully intent on killing them. But it was a bolt-action rifle and I couldnt find the bolt, so my plan was foiled.
From then on, I became addicted to hating the God that my parents tried with all their might to force me to believe in. Although I didnt know any more than what I had learned from years of sitting in church, I hated him for using my parents to force himself on me.
It was during that time that I also began to become very addicted to depression. Melancholy and sadness was my constant companion. It wasnt something I couldve escaped, even if I wanted to. Eventually it became as inseparable a part of me as any physical organ keeping me alive.
During high school I also gained a few physical addictions for myself. I was the junkie of junkies, but I was the life of the party. For once in my life everyone in school knew me. For once in my life, I was the one people went out of their way to make sure was at parties. And for the first time in my life I realized that when you gain what you think will bring happiness, you only end up alone and empty.
My drug addiction eventually led to a drug overdose and a near-death experience. While laying in the emergency room, watching my pulse as a green line on a tiny screen, wondering if it was going to continue, I decided to stop running from the God that I tried so hard to run from.
As soon as I came down from my overdose, I went to a Christian treatment program and was there for 13 months. It was there that I became addicted to trying to find God for real.
I spent years trying all I could, and then not trying when I was told that its not YOU that does it, God has to do it. But in my quest for finding the truth I became addicted to being true and real and gave up trying to pretend to be something I wasnt.
Realizing that there was nothing else I could do to find God or make him real to me if he is out there left lots of room to become re-addicted to depression and suicidal tendencies again. To be rejected by the one who is supposedly your Father, and is supposed to love you more than anyone else, is a bitter pill to swallow.
In an effort to try and forget all that, I became addicted to work. I was consistently working 70-80 hours a week. Eventually though the work slowed down and I had more time on my hands. One day after work I finally caved to the thoughts that had been chiseling at my mind for weeks; I got drunk.
So from then until a few days ago, I was a drunk. Maybe I still am, but that remains to be seen. Sometimes alcohol allowed me to forget everything and just be happy. Sometimes it intensified everything I wanted to forget, and left me teetering on the edge of life and death.
The one thing that has always eluded me though is hope. Hope has always been something empty and meaningless to me. But perhaps that is all for the best. You see, hope is just as much an addiction as any drug.
Hope is something that people chase and pursue and attempt to gain, just as the junkie tries to get their fix. When they attain it, hope fulfills them for a bit just as drugs do. When it wears off though, it leaves a void that can drive a person crazy if they cant get more of it.
Its funny how society says that drugs are bad, yet encourages people to find hope in something.
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This is my last serenade
I feel you as you fall away
This is my last serenade
From yourself you cant run away.
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Killswitch Engage
Hey man wow! My life is going downhill since last year and i just lost hope now. man oh man im a pussy! lol here read my diary its new! i have a better one that my real friends at school read so i dont want them to read this
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My music of choce is Nine Inch Nails and nirvana and all that good stuff and my moms a christian and does her thing and my dad is an atheist, man you should see beleives crash its so f**king awesome!my moms tryed to make me beleive but i resisted since i was very young. yeah i like your diary name, thats in the song the great below i love that song
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well dang
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wow… that was an incredibly touching entry… our lives paralel in so many ways… the escape by alcohol is only a temporary one as im sure you’ve realized… i learned that and it’s a rough thing to realize… i think it’s my f**kin optimism that’s kept me from giving in though do you have AIM? take care
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God is the only answer that will bring full fulfillment into your life. To lose hope is to slame the door in Gods face.
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um, I don’t have anything I could say to this.I understand the not having a great childhood and god deserting you and losing hope.for some people, it’s everything.this makes me wonder what exactly I’m addicted to now…
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Wow… First of all, I’d like to say that what your parents did was bullsh*t. They had/have no right to ever try to force you into believing in god. That’s the one thing parents do that pisses me off the most. My mom let her children make their own descisions, and I think that was the best way to go. You sound like you need to relax a little, and maybe see a (non-religious) counselor. I think –
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– that it’s wonderful that you haven’t allowed yourself to go over the edge and have maintained some self control so far, and that you realize and can fully admit to having these addictions. Give yourself that. And that fact that you’re trying to find god – maybe you should try to focus more on finding yourself first? It sounds like you’re a nice guy, but you need to give yourself the –
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– opportunity to be who you are, and not who your parents or a religious group think you should be… I know I’m basing all of my opinions on this one entry, so if I’m wrong, I’m sorry. I know that we don’t know each other, but if you ever need to just talk about something and you need a good listener, I’m always around. RYN: I was thinking the same thing, but any good designer should be –
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– open to opinions and/or changes. I didn’t mean to offend anyone, and I was only trying to help. They could have at least realized that! : ) Sorry for leaving so many notes! Take care,
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RYN: Winning lottory numbers are a good thing to hope for! Haha. If only…
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hi. thanks, but that entry was a fake. i got bored, and did an automatic update that was actually meant for live journal. sorry for the confusion. ~Felicia
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Well, I really have nothing to say here since I’ve known about all of your addictions for a long while.. But hopefully, you do stop drinking like your want to. RYN: I think you were being sarcastic, but oh well.
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You sound like an amazing person. I’m glad you’ve refrained from drinking. I hope that continues to be the case. Even moderation would be a step, hmm? *hugs* Take care..
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thanks for the compliment… figured i’d try somethin a little different
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*poke*
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i still heart you anyway. you really sound like my boyfriend. *scratches head* he must be you at 18. RYN: and…at my school if we have coats or purses, etc, we have to put them out in the hall when the dogs come. but yea…i just kept stuff in my shoe. xo.
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Actually, hope is what keeps most of us going. Maybe it’s an age thing. Without hope that things would get better, I’d have been dead 2 years ago. Things DID get better. People aren’t meant to be “happy” all the time, of course. Life has to have both good and bad and mundane and spectacular just to keep it interesting. People who expect to always be “happy” are in for a huge disappointment. (more)
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….but that’s not what you wrote to me about. You wanted to know if the Liver Brownies stunk up the kitchen. They did not. In fact, they smelled rather good, though I did not eat one. There’s enough flour and corn meal and garlic in there to kill the liver smell. (Not may favorite food, either.) Your dog will love you even more, which is a happiness all its own. *s*
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PS: This entry made me think of the old adage, “Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.”
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RYN: Well I honestly think you were being sarcastic, But we could go on and on about this…..sooo, we’ll just leave it like it is. catch ya later
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RYN: you prob. didn’t wait long enough for the page to load or it wasn’t working correctly. No one else has had problems????
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Maybe you might not need one but I do. Hee. 🙂
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I meant to put in a *Hug*
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You’re only interpreting half of the painting.God didn’t slam the door on you.He’s with you every day but it’s your decision to follow.By not accepting Christ or hope for that matter you cannot say that those that have Christ are not fulfilled.You can’t expect God to attain your schedule.You may have wanted him in your life but you didn’t fully surrender yourself to him.
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God helps those who help themselves.”Knock and the door shall be opened..”-Matthew 7:7&Luke 11:9.A good book for you to read would be Purpose Driven Life.It might help you.Just to let you know I will be praying for you.
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Why wouldn’t you want hope and something to believe in?What’s the point in living if you don’t have those things? What happens, in your perspective, after life is over? What’s the harm in living your life as if God does exist (which he does)and thereby receiving salvation and if He doesn’t then nothing bad happens and you lived a good life?
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Well I’m sorry and like I said before I’ll be praying for you.
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