Happy Nightmare
Most of my life Ive found dreams rather entertaining. In a way its like having my own personal, interactive, movie to watch while I rest. Sometimes itll be funny, sometimes off-the-wall, sometimes scary, and sometimes itll just make me shake my head and ask, What the fuck ?
Last night I had a dream that Im still not sure how to classify. Its hard because in the dream I was happy. In fact, I think its safe to say that the dream version of me loved his life.
It was also scary though (to me anyhow). You see, the way that I became as happy as I was in my dream was by doing two of the biggest things Ive sworn never to do.
The first thing was that Ive sworn not to get married. Well, perhaps it was more like I just told myself that Id never do it because its stupid and pointless with how little marriage even means any more (although you do get a tax break for it).
But yes, I was married in my dream. Very happily married actually.
The second thing Ive sworn not to do is to ever help conceive a child. Besides the fact that the world is fucked up beyond belief (which of course is President Bushs fault *wink*), I cant imagine being responsible for creating a life. I cant imagine having a little person who Id care about more than anything (which I would) and not know if they would end up happy or if theyd spend their life much like I have-hating it and cursing the day they were born. I cant bring myself to force someone to have to deal with that.
But yes, I was a father in my dream. Twice in fact, I had a little girl and a little boy.
There were some other weird things in the dream too, but those arent really important for anyone else to know.
It really isnt all that often that I have these family dreams. On occasion though, they somehow find their way into my sleeping conscious and then leave me scratching my head, thinking, and rather weirded out for a few days afterwards.
If I was to attempt to psychoanalyze the whole situation, I guess I have to admit that perhaps somewhere a part of me thinks that whole thing would be a good idea (the non-rational part anyhow). Maybe I know that too but am afraid to admit it just like Im afraid of the whole idea of it.
Maybe another reason I was weirded out by the dream is because I was like 35 in it.
In all honesty, I think Im more scared about things than I like to pretend I am. Not monsters and stuff, but just life in general and all the things that life entails.
But alas, Ill just do what I always do. Keep up the façade, try not to think about it, and try to stay distracted so I dont think about it.
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When all of your wishes are granted
Many of your dreams will be destroyed.
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Marilyn Manson