Fall Closer

At 6:00AM this morning a war broke out in my bedroom. No, there was no one else in the room. No, the ghosts of the dead people from the cemetery behind my house weren’t invading. But at 6:00 my alarm went off and I wanted with everything in me to not wake up.

I tried to mentally struggle against the consciousness that was forcing itself upon me. I fought against the impending onslaught of reality. I wrestled against what I knew could never be as perfect as the world I was being ripped from.

For what seemed like hours before that damned little beeping monster began to summon my eyelids to rise, I was in a perfect world with You. Time was non-existent as we passed from present to future to what was the past, but is really yet-to-come.

It began on a summer day; most likely a Saturday or a Sunday since I wasn’t working. I rubbed my eyes and realized I had fallen asleep on the couch watching a movie the night before. And I wasn’t alone.

Amazingly, I woke you up and you weren’t even mad. Perhaps it was because we were in a happy place. I’m not sure how it happened, but suddenly we were dressed and walked out the patio door and set foot in Disney World.

We spent all day laughing and smiling and riding the rides. It must’ve been the off-season because the lines weren’t long at all (yes I know, only in dreams).

A little later it was colder. Snow was on the ground and frost was in the air as we bundled up and checked out the Winter Carnival, despite the fact that neither of us can stand the cold.

You’d think that in a dream I’d be able to figure a way to make winter 75 degrees and sunny.

Somehow though, the chill in the air didn’t really bother us as we checked out the massive sculptures cut and chiseled out of blocks of ice. Nor were we shivering as we walked through the ice palace.

Somehow we kept each other warm.

Then it was fall and we were in Duluth. Even though fall has almost always been a bad time for me, it was quite a bit different with you there. The leaves were changing, Lake Superior was shimmering, the birds were flying off in the distance and we were sitting up on the hill just watching it all and breathing in the smell of falling leaves.

“I really don’t want this to go away,” I said as I sadly recalled the fact that it would.

You leaned over and said, “Maybe it won’t. Or maybe it will but it will come back again.” Then a sinister smile graced Your lips as you said, “Or maybe it will and we’ll never be here or see this again.”

Then as if you were some kind of prophet, the alarm began screaming at me like a flock of devilish birds seeking to drag me back to the hell of everyday life.

I wanted to hold on. I wanted to hold on to the moment, to You, to the perfection of it all, to the fact that it was all so far from what my life really is right now.

For now, perfection rests only in dreams and in sporadic moments of fortune. Times when I can be with You. Times when I can see You. Times when I can laugh with You. Times that really have no resemblance to today.

Yet it’s hard to be too depressed about being so far away right now. Fall, as much as I have a historical dislike for it, brings us closer together. As much as I hate the cold and snow, I suppose winter does too.

But I do think I’ll stop here. There’s so much more I could say, and so much you’ve heard before. There’s so much I wish I could say, but words could never articulate. There’s so much I wish I could do and be for You that I probably never will.

I miss You.

Can’t wait until I don’t have to.

*
“I’m not giving up
It’s you and me for life
You are the gun that shoots me to the sky
*
Oh I feel so alive whenever you’re are near
You’re so beautiful
And when you’re away I’m stuck in a daze
It’s you that I’m thinking of
*
She’s my precious and I give into
She’s my precious and I give into
She’s my precious and I give into
She’s my precious and I give into her.”
*
MANMADEGOD