Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

With all the time I’ve spent being in “weird” moods lately, I don’t think I can consider them “weird” anymore; it’s becoming normal. Today was no exception.

Being the lazy heathen that I am, I didn’t go to church today. Instead, I played Star Trek: Armada for a while on the computer and then watched Office Space and Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.

Office Space hit home with me a little since I’ve lately started to really hate my job (semi driver). Actually, to be more accurate, I’ve begun to hate certain parts of my job. Even though Office Space is just a stupid comedy, it made me think (which I’ll get to in a minute).

The reason I grabbed Eternal Sunshine from the video store was because I remembered seeing in the preview that it was about a dude who had part of his memory erased. This is a concept that has been rather intriguing to me. The selective memory erasure aspect was why I got it. I didn’t get it because it was a bit of a love story (which I could’ve found out about beforehand if I would have read the back of the DVD case).

This may sound a tad bit retarded, but I actually had a decent-sized personal revelation while watching Office Space. It was something that some people might hear and reply, “Well DUH,” but it’s something I haven’t really considered before.

Optimism has never been something that has come naturally to me. In fact, it’s something almost entirely foreign to me. I think that’s one of the biggest factors in my depression and view of the world and life.

I’m the kind of person who always takes things to extremes. Whatever I do, I usually do it until I’ve taken it as far as I can and until I’ve worn it out. In my attempts to find happiness and improve things in my life, I’ve always hoped for the unattainable and then focused on the fact that, surprise, I never attain it.

One thing that I can safely say is that I almost never concentrate on is what I already have.

When I look at that, I really have the basic things I need to be content. I’ve got a family that cares about me and that I care about too. I’ve got a decent job that is secure and pays pretty decent compared to other jobs in the trucking industry. I’ve got some toys and things to keep me from being absolutely bored out of my skull when I’m not working. Most importantly, I have a handful of people (who I’m convinced are the most awesome on earth) that love me, and I love them more than anything.

True, I’m not rich. There are things I’d like to have and do that I most likely never will. True, my friends live 300-some miles away. But I have them in my life and I have the ability to communicate with them every day. True, there are things about my job that totally piss me off on a daily basis. Yet all those things are much better than having no money or being on unemployment or sitting at home bored all day, every day.

Perhaps if I can keep looking at the things that I already have, the future won’t look so bleak and the present won’t look like shit.

Eternal Sunshine made me wonder if I would really give up all the memories that I sometimes wish I didn’t have. It’s no secret that I have an entire garage full of things I regret, and many of those things still effect me today. Yet it’s a part of MY life. They are things that may not be pleasant but they’re still mine.

After thinking about the things I’ve gone through and the choices I’ve made in my life thus far, I’m a little amazed I haven’t turned out much worse. I know, that makes it sound like I think I turned out bad. For a long time that’s what I’ve though, but today (and I’m not saying this with any conceit) I realized that I really haven’t turned out all that bad.

Sure, there are things about myself that I’d like to change. Maybe someday that will happen. But for now, at least for today, I don’t hate myself. I don’t think I’ve fucked up my life.

At least for tonight, and hopefully this won’t fade away with the sunrise, I’m content. It’s nice (and if it’s a result of the cold medicine I’m on, I’m going to become a Thera Flu addict).

So that’s it. I do need to say a “Thank You” to my favorite people on earth. Tina, Allie, Jen…Thanks for everything. Thanks for putting up with all my crap and all my mood swings and all that. Thanks for caring and for all the ways that you’ve changed me and made me a better person than I was when we met.

I love you girls more than I can ever show, and you’ve done more for me than we’ll probably ever know (and if you cry at this, I’m gonna laugh at you).

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“Please God let me sleep tonight
Sleep tonight
Sleep tonight
Sleep tonight…”
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Korn