Comeback Jack
I woke up this morning after getting about four hours of sleep. I might have gone to bed earlier, except apparently I had a bit too much coffee late at night when I was trying to stay up.
If I could describe my day using only two words, I think Id call it boring and strange.
It was boring because I spent my Saturday pretty much how Ive spent almost every Saturday since I moved into my house-alone and with nothing to do. I spent an hour or so cleaning just because I was sick of just sitting around watching DVDs, but when youve got a fairly small house and live alone it doesnt get all that dirty.
The part that was strange is a little harder to explain. You see, its been seven months and eight days since Ive had any alcohol. It really hasnt been that hard or that much of a problem, but today was different.
It wasnt really that anything was wrong that I was trying to escape from or forget. It wasnt that my body was suddenly like, I need alcohol NOW! I think it was just the fact that I was so bored and Ive been like this every weekend for a while and somehow I thought itd make it better.
Maybe being hammered would make the solitude a little easier to ignore. Perhaps a few comeback shots of Jack would make me like the DVDs a little more instead of just being something to zone out to while trying to kill time. Who knows? It might make me be able to feel something more than just isolation.
Im pretty sure it wouldnt have been a huge problem. If I can go seven months with no alcohol, I couldve probably gotten hammered and then not gone back to being constantly shitfaced.
So there I sat on my fluffy couch after I had finished cleaning. The blinds were open and I was staring out at the full sunlight and in my mind I was trying to tell myself that it would be alright. In fact, I spent about 45 minutes trying to convince myself of that.
Yet I couldnt just convince myself that it would be alright. I made a promise to someone very important to me and no amount of boredom or self-convincing could make me think that it would be fine if I broke that promise.
True, I couldve probably done it and they never wouldve known if I didnt tell them. Or if they suspected something I couldve lied and said I was just tired or something. But then again, I couldnt. I wont.
Ive fucked up plenty of relationships in my lifetime and thats probably one reason why I dont have many left now. But Ive learned to value what I do have, and I will never do anything intentional to fuck those up or hurt who I care about or lie to them or break a promise.
So Ill be ok. It isnt that bad I suppose. Even if they may be hundreds of miles away, at least I have someone to care about more than I care about myself.
And I have coffee and stuff.
*
We have no future
Heaven wasnt made for me
Burn ourselves to hell
As fast as it can be
And I wish that I could be the king
Then Id know that I am not alone.
*
Marilyn Manson
*hugs*
Warning Comment
Well pumpkin, I’m very proud of you for not drinking. Like majorly proud. I dunno where you are tonite orwhat you’re doing but I wanted to let you know that I missed you. And I love you WAY much!!
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Just thought I’d drop by. Even though i don’t note or talk to you as often as I used to…still read and think ’bout ya. Hugs.
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