“Colosoctomy“

Hello everyone. My name is Jaimie. I’m a recovering addict to…well, a ton of stuff. I still have a few addictions, but nothing I’d consider “bad.” In fact, a few of my addictions are actually good.

I think my best, and favorite, addiction is to this girl I know. I’ll just call her “A.”

We kind of met by accident and after we met (I later found out) she didn’t like me and never wanted to see me again. But since I didn’t know that, I started talking to her when I’d see her online and I thought, “Geez, this chick is kinda cool.”

So that began a rather long period of instant messaging. In fact, it got so bad that it became consuming. All day long while I’d be working, I’d be wishing I was home so I could talk to A. I didn’t care what we talked about, I just enjoyed her company and her conversation.

This went on for quite a while, and I even saw her in person on a few occasions (not all that often though, since we’re 300+ miles apart). She slowly wiggled her way into my heart and became my favorite person in the world, as well as my best friend.

Now, I haven’t had the greatest of luck when it comes to romantic relationships. The last one I was in ended up with me breaking off an engagement cause I found out my fiancée was a fucking psycho. In fact, I swore that I’d never, EVER fall for someone ever again. I promised myself that I’d never let anyone close enough to my heart to hurt and scar me like that again.

Then one day we were chatting and out of nowhere a thought shot into my brain like a bullet from Cupid’s sniper rifle; I love this girl.

“Hell NO!,” was my first thought. And thus, I spent the next few months torn. Part of me wanted very bad to be able to care and to be open and to love her. Yet part of me was trying to come up with every reason I could think of to prove to myself that it was a bad idea, and trying to keep from falling for her.

It took a while, but slowly (although not consciously) she wore down the scars and the scabs, and I began to open up and trust and love again. She somehow began changing me without even knowing she was doing it.

To sum it up…things are good now. Yeah, we’ve had a few problems and issues and stuff (and I’ve been an asshole on more than one occasion). But I love this girl more than anyone or anything and more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. She’s my world, and I like it that way.

Anyhow, I said all that to say this; nowadays we talk on the phone more than chat in IM cause I got us cell phones specifically for that purpose. But one thing about me is that, especially when I’m tired, I tend to have a bit of a…speech impediment. Like, I’ll be trying to get a point across, but there will be two different words I can use. So I’ll be talking and getting to the part where I have to use one of the words, but somehow my brain will just merge them and I’ll spew out some weird, meaningless word.

Also, there are many nights when the conversations that A and I have turn…strange. She really is the most awesome person in the world to talk to cause the doesn’t really get offended about stuff, she can talk about pretty much anything, and…(this is the kicker)…she’s got a mind that’s just as dirty as mine. Hehe.

So Monday night I was driving through IL for work and we were on the phone. I was a little sleepy and I have no clue what we were talking about exactly. All I remember is that I wanted to use the word “colonoscopy,” but instead the word “colosoctomy.” Yeah, I suppose I was kinda close, but I was like, “Cola-sock-to-me? What the fuck?…”

Anyhow, we were both laughing for a bit, so it was good. I don’t really mind being a retard if it makes her laugh, cause I love it when she’s happy.

Speaking of colosoctomies…I occasionally get mail from this Catholic place. I really have no idea why, since I’m not Catholic, never have been, and I’m not even anywhere close to being a church-goer of any kind.

Yet I got home Tuesday and there was a letter from some church. Inside the letter was a “prayer rug” which is made out of paper and has a picture of Jesus with his eyes closed on it. Here’s a bit of what is in the letter they sent me with the rug.

“God’s holy blessing power is in the enclosed anointed prayer rug we are loaning you to use!!! We must give you this opportunity first…then it must go to the home of another dear friend who needs a blessing. As we pray for you and everyone connected with this address, we feel that something very wonderful is trying to come to you.

“We want this Church Ministry, Prayer Rug to be touching BOTH OF YOUR KNEES as you pray for the needs you are facing right now. If you need more joy, peace, health, money, a new car, a new house, healing in family communication, or whatever, we, as a very old (55 years) church, want to know about it.

“These next 24 important hours are crucial to you. Timing is important to God. After you kneel on this Church Prayer Rug, or place it over your knees, place it in a Bible on Philippians 4:19. (If you don’t have a Bible, it’s okay-just slide it under your side of the bed, for tonight, if you can. If you can’t do this, it’s okay.) Leave it there no longer than TONIGHT ONLY! God sees. Then, in the morning it is a must that you get this unusual blessing Church Prayer Rug out of this house and back to us, here at the church’s chapel prayer room, in faith. We must also have this letter back, with whatever you need prayer for, printed on page two. You must get this Bible Prayer Rug back to us so we can rush it onto another family that’s in need of a blessing. Do this without fail. Please, do not break this flow of power between us.”

So yeah, talk about people in need of a colosoctomy. Or a kick in the ass. Or a five foot timber shoved way up it. Or something.

Oh well, I suppose at least it made me grin. Perhaps I should make a sandwich out of it and stick it between my Ouija board and my Satanic Bible and see what happens.

*
“To a world that never appreciated shit
You can suck my dick and fucking like it.”
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Korn