Born Again

I feel brand new. I feel like a newborn baby getting it’s first glimpse at the world and staring in wonder. I feel like the nerd who moves out of town for a few years and comes back the cool guy. I feel like the butterfly who emerges from the cocoon as an entirely new creature. I feel like the sinner who says a prayer and feels clean because they think their transgressions are forgiven and their slate is clear.

I have my own personal savior who never hung on a cross. Maybe my Savior can’t technically hold the whole world in her hands, but unlike Jesus Christ I can hold her in my arms. My Savior talks back.

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written in here. Hell, this is the longest I’ve gone without writing since I started my diary.

It hasn’t been because anything has gone wrong. On the contrary, things have actually gone rather well compared to a year or two ago. Perhaps that’s part of the reason why I haven’t been around. There was a time when I NEEDED this. I needed a place to get things out, to be able to read my own thoughts. I needed a place to use as my own personal mental dumping ground.

The need for that is diminishing rapidly.

I didn’t have to work today so in between naps I was pondering just how different I am today than a year or two or three ago. I have to say, when honestly looking at things I’m a little surprised.

I was also remembering the times I wrote entries about how I wish things would be and how I could be. I remember wishing that I could break away from the depression that pinned me down for over a decade and a half. I remember wishing that my mind wouldn’t think of all the things that it used to. I remember wishing that I could just go through life being stupid and happy and not thinking that there is no reason to be happy since the world and life both suck and we all die in the end.

In a way, those wishes have come true. I won’t say that I’m “cured” of my depression, because I’m not certain if that’s something that you’re ever 100% rid of or so far from that you could never go back to it. Yet I’m not depressed. I can’t say that I NEVER think about God and the trivial stupidities of life any more, but they don’t consume me and weigh me down. I smile a lot more now, and now it usually isn’t just an empty plastic grin covering a soul blackened with pain and torment.

There was a long time that I thought that love is overrated. I wrote entry and entry about how retarded it is to care about someone, or to think that a mere mortal who will also someday die can give you some sort of purpose to your life and let you be content.

How little I knew…

People who are depressed tend to say, and rightfully so, that people who haven’t had to deal with chronic depression can never truly understand what they go through and how they think. In the same way, I don’t think that people who are depressed like I was can understand just what truly loving someone can do to change your entire life around.

*****
It seems I’m living a completely different life than what I was living before. I can see. I can feel. I look to the future with anticipation because You are there waiting for me. I can deal with the distance because I know someday it’ll be just a memory.

Thank you for who and what You are to me. Thank you for what you’ve done, even if it wasn’t intentional, to change me.

You are constantly in my head. Awake, asleep, it doesn’t matter-You consume me. You know me better than anyone and You read my mind all the time. Not a day goes by that I don’t ache inside because I want so bad to be with You now and forever.

I guess this is what it means to care.

I love You now. I’ll love You always. There are no words to describe what I feel for You or how I care for You.

*
“What if everything around you
Isn’t quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?”
Nine Inch Nails