Big Fish

Emotionally, I’m pretty fucked up right about now. I imagine this might be a tad bit like PMS, except that I don’t find myself hating the entire male species when my mood swings a certain way.

I suppose in all honesty, my emotions aren’t the only things that are fucked up. A few minutes ago I was slapped with a bit of divine internal revelation (or something). I realized why I hate life, and my life in particular.

Though other people or circumstances may be culpable in the eyes of some when it comes to my state of being, I really only have myself to blame. I’ve always been a hard worker, but I’ve never really done anything with a purpose or a goal. The few things in my life that I’ve actually hoped for turned out opposite of the way that I thought they would. This was proof that real-life and fairy-tales were vastly different.

To make things really short though, the pain of being let down is what has, and does, keep me from hoping in anything. Although I can hear a faint echo of who I was as a kid when I had all sorts of ideas and ambitions and still believed anything is possible…those echo’s are as hollow and empty as the chocolate Easter Bunny’s that kids get in their baskets.

I just got done watching the movie Big Fish. I don’t know why it’s affected me the way that it has. All I can really think of is to blame it on my hormonalness (or whatever the hell it is).

I wish that I could actually hope that life will someday get better.
I wish that I could actually believe that it’s really possible.
I wish there was a way out from under all the things I constantly carry with me.
I wish I could get through life without needing escapes.
I wish my wishes would come true.
I wish that somehow I could get out everything that’s inside me.
I wish I wouldn’t cry, because I have to pee really bad and don’t want to pass anyone in the hallway and have them ask questions.
I wish everything that hurt, and all the black clouds in my mind, would find somewhere else to go.
Then again, wishing really is kind of pointless.