Anus Burgers Anyone?

Although the fast food industry in America still gobbles up hundreds of millions of dollars a year, could we who live under the Stars and Stripes be getting sick of burgers?

For years restaurants have tried to alter hamburgers in a way to make them more appealing and outsell their competitors. McDonalds tried “special sauce” (a variation of Thousand Island salad dressing) on their Big Mac. They also spent millions doing research in “designing” their Big-N-Tasty burger, only to find that regular iceberg lettuce, onions, and tomatoes still won the taste-tests. Culvers, in what appears to be a big “screw-you” to all those who lie to themselves and think they can eat “healthy” fast food, slathers their buns with fat and calls their meaty wonders Butterburgers.

Although we fickle Americans are in the middle of a “count your carbs” phase, there has been a beef product that has slowly crept onto the retail and fast food markets; Black Angus Beef.

Does anyone out there REALLY know what is supposed to be so special about Black Angus Beef? Is it just supposed to have some sort of catchy name, or is it actually different?

And where’s the equal rights people demanding that establishments serve and equal amount of White Angus Beef (if there is such a thing)?

Hardee’s and Burger King are two restaurant chains that have jumped on the Black Angus bandwagon. They flaunt their fancily named patties of seared cow flesh in an effort to make themselves seem special, something to be envied among fast food chains.

As I was stuck in traffic today I saw one Burger King that just may have actually come up with an idea to make a hamburger truly unique, all while helping the customer to eat more healthy.

Most of the Burger Kings up here in Minnesota all have signs that say “Try our new Angus Burgers!” Yet the Burger King I was totally went against the grain.

Perhaps it was just a fluke of nature that defaced their sign by knocking a rather important letter down. Maybe it was a sign that their employees are either stupid or geniuses (depending on how you look at it). But as I drove by I read a sign that seemed to scream to everyone driving past, “Try our new Anus Burgers!”

The Anus Burger…a true stroke of American ingenuity if I’ve ever seen it. If the people running the drive through can actually say, “Welcome to Burger King, would you like to try our new Black Anus Burger today?” without cracking up, it might really take off.

Sure, you people are probably thinking, “I’d never eat an Anus Burger.” Yet, tell me oh finicky fast food patron, how can you tell which part of the animal your ground beef actually comes from (or if it’s truly beef)? You may have been eating Anus Burgers for years without ever knowing it.

Yet this bit of word association could be the fatal blow for obesity in America. If all you could get from your fast food joint was Anus Burgers, people would probably only eat the very least amount they could consume and still survive. It’s doubtful that even a nice “special sauce” could make something called an Anus Burger more appealing to most of the public, so by eating less burgers the public would gradually get thinner.

Either that or Subway would become MUCH more popular than it already is.

The next time you go to grab a burger, take a second to ponder what you are about to eat. You might want to inspect it just to be safe. You may want to reconsider eating there if what is stuck between the two halves of your bun looks like a meaty donut.

So yeah, that was the one thing that made me laugh today. The rest of my day kind of sucked. It sucks not being rich.

*
“Something’s wrong
Trying to conquer these fears I thought were gone
And it’s been so long
I’m dying to live in a world I don’t belong
*
I can’t wait
For someone to hear me
And wait
For someone to touch me
And wait forever to be told
I’m forever alone
I can’t wait
For someone to feel me
And wait
For someone to heal me
And wait forever to be told
I’m forever alone
*
On my own
I’ve shown myself what it means to be alone
And the tears I’ve cried
Have washed away all the scars of my disguise
*
I’m forever alone.”
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Earshot