Absolution

Life is a rather amazing phenomenon. I find myself constantly astounded by how quickly and how thoroughly the simple act of being born and being alive can cause a person to rack up mountains of baggage to carry around.

I haven’t even been alive for 28 years yet and there are many times when I have so many invisible weights bearing down on me that I have more trouble breathing than a terminal emphysemic. Though my physical body isn’t quite as worn down as that of a 90-year-old, the burdens I constantly bear, and can’t seem to shake, have me walking like a hunchback on the inside.

Somehow I was cursed with a conscience that cares. Somehow I was doomed to be the one to always try to make things right after I fuck them up (which can be a huge problem if the things you’ve done have permanent consequences and can’t be undone).

The most amazing person in the world recently told me, “You’re not that [meaning the very bad person I used to be] person anymore and you really need to learn to just move on.”

It’s amazing how much truth there is in that one single sentence.

The bad part about the advice is that it’s much easier said than done.

In all honesty, I’m partially afraid of letting go and moving on. The only way I’ve ever really been able to get over things that had such a strong mental or emotional hold on me was to get to the point where I didn’t care about them any more, and it really kind of scares me to think about getting to a place where I don’t care about what I’ve done or the pain I’ve caused. Part of me thinks that if I am able to do that, then I’ll be right back at square one and once again be the uncaring asshole that I used to be and that I might start hurting people again.

I guess it’s also very hard for me to get over everything that I carry because in a way I really do feel like I deserve to carry it all. Everything on my shoulders is there because I chose to do the wrong things when I could’ve done right. Everything that weighs me down is there because, unlike some of the people whose lives I helped fuck up, I’m still alive.

It’s hard for me to see how I can deserve to live a life of freedom and happiness when people I called my friends died because of the “help” I gave them. If there are no second chances for them, why should there be for me?

I wish SO bad that I could just cry and cry and cry and somehow repent for the wrongs I’ve done, and to have it be over. Yet my eyes are deserts with not a drop of water and I’m left with only mountains of burning, scorching sand.

The other side of this massive Catch-22 is that there are still people who care about me and that I care about. Thus, there is still the potential for me to do more damage than I already have. Even if I can’t let go of everything for my own sake, I need to find a way to do it for the sake of the other people I care about because it isn’t fair for them to be drug into the shithole of a past that I happen to have. I need to try and get over all this because they, especially the person quoted above, deserve to have a much better version of me than what I currently am.

If only life were a movie. If only worms the of regret that constantly eat at me and the fires of self-condemnation that burn me would really be gone after an hour or two, and then I could live happily ever after.

There has to be a way to end this, and I need to find it soon. I need to find a way to release this millstone that’s hanging around my neck. I need to find absolution. I need to stop paying for sins that I can never truly pay for and can never undo.

I really can’t figure out a single way to do this, but hopefully it will come to me soon.

*
“As beautiful as fire against the evening sky
You fill the lost desire
I no longer wanna die
Take me by the hand and see beyond the lies
Strip away the fences
Leave me needing, leave me blind
*
Take me away- ‘cause I don’t wanna lose control
Take me away- ‘cause I don’t wanna lose it all
*
Relieved of all the pain you let me see again
Delivered from my shame now
And I am lost for what to say
Cleansed and pure and weak, I suffer when I dream
I need to find a purpose
I need to feel you needing me
*
Pure and weak
I suffer when I dream
Cleansed of me, I suffer when I dream
Because I want you to stay
You take the pain away
I want you to stay
I need you here to keep me sane.”
*
Seether