This is what I came home to

I am home for the weekend between my stints in New York City. I have been looking forward to getting some great time with my kids as I have missed them so much.

During this whole divorce, the ex and I are still co-habitating in our house, though I’m in the basement. So I have no choice but have to be around him. That is making my skin crawl.

So anyways, yesterday the kids and I went to the grocery store and as the youngest was in the bathroom, my oldest told me that while I was gone their father…first some backstory.

So my ex and my oldest used to have an incredible relationship and then about 5 or 6 years ago it began deteriorating dramatically. My oldest begged me to help because they did have such a great relationship before. I would share with my ex the things that were bothering our child and that had been requested to be worked on. My ex would become defensive and at some point just claim this is who he is and that’s who he has always been.

I would share videos and photos of the two of them from the good years hoping that it would spark something in my ex to find that warmth he used to possess as a father and it never happened.

Well their relationship has turned so bad that my oldest had said in the past that if we separated they did not want visitation with their father because they didn’t feel his lack of effort should become their burden on rotating weekends and that our life is happy and that’s the life they want.

I have shared so much with my ex in hopes that something would get him to wake the fuck up.

So, while I was gone, my ex went to our oldest and said that he recognizes that their relationship is strained and that there is blame to go around and he said, “your mother is to blame, and I am the way that I have always been and this is who I am and I’m a good father.”

My oldest let me know that they were very upset by that but that they did not care to show it to their father because they felt it wasn’t worth it at all.

This whole relationship can’t be over soon enough. It’s time to start living the life myself and my kids deserve to live.

I know one thing, being in New York City has shown me what peace I can have when he’s not in my daily life. My anxiety is better. My sleep is better. My energy is better.

I did not realize how much he exhausts me. And I’m tired of being tired.