Lone Wolf

It’s gotten to the point where I really don’t even know what i’m looking for anymore. By most accounts I have a pretty good life these days. I make a pretty decent salary, live in the coolest town in my state, am active and social, see my family more. Really all good things. I’ve been dating a couple of girls over the past couple months. I guess the thing is I really don’t feel close to anyone. Even in the past when I felt somewhat isolated or unwanted, I had some people around that I could reach out to. Jesse, Ben, Adam, Sophia, Kristina, Scott, Alex, Eggie and a whole collection of other people in college. People phased in and out, but there were always at least 2 people I felt close to at any given point. In LA there was Toby, David, Geoff, Mayur and a few others, and still Adam. I remember feeling like I didn’t have the social life I wanted, but there were people that I felt close to there. Now, I go out far more, and do way more things, but just haven’t felt that way about any of the people I hang out with. The dodgeball team as a collection of people is cool, and there are some individuals who I think are cool on the team, but for whatever reason I haven’t really broken into any social things outside of the collective group activities that we do as a team. It’s encouraging to see the soccer team hanging out together over the summer. Hopefully we keep that going for the fall season and I keep getting to know all of them better. There are some cool people on the team, so I think there’s potential. I guess the weird void is not having any friends at work. Even at Macys, when I was in my darkest hours, I still had plenty of friends to bitch about it with. At the new job I don’t even have anyone to go to lunch with. I eat at my desk because i’m busy, and that excuse is entirely believable for the people around me, but there are plenty of times i’m eating there because I don’t have anyone to go out with. It’s a weird situation for me. I think the fact that there aren’t happy hours and group social activities outside the office leads to people not knowing each other well, especially out of their immediate division or office vicinity. But i’m also of the mindset that I have greater expectations placed on me than the other people at my level, and I really shouldn’t associate with them too much. However, in much the same vein, some of the people higher than me in the company can’t hang out with me too much because i’m still at my monkey position. I do think that getting a promotion would really help my stature in everyone’s eyes, and validate the social distance that currently goes on. It’s funny. I’m still not at all convinced that this is the right industry for me, but i’m also dead-set on getting promoted and am putting in a lot of extra effort to that effect. I feel that it would be more for personal gratification and ego-boost than even a hard career goal. Basically I need validation for my effort, to prove to myself that I am good at what I do, am a successful businessman. I don’t care about what I’m doing, but I want to be very successful at it. Kinda weird when you think about it. I’m pretty driven, even though my personality is very mellow and laid-back. In some ways i’m detached, which lets me focus even more than if I was outwardly intense. Then there are the football people, which all revolves around Jenn. I cannot make my mind up about her at all. I think I’m not really into her, but want her to want me because that will make me feel good about myself. Kinda convoluted and narcissistic, but I think that’s as honestly as I can describe it. Anyways, I think we’re heading towards just being friends, or maybe have already crossed that threshold. That night when she really threw herself at me made me feel wanted, which made me feel good about myself. I don’t think it was her, it was just the feeling of being wanted. So that’s kinda a strange relationship as well. Another person who I hang out with, and her friends, but I don’t feel particularly close to any of them. They are placeholders for my close friends, if those people ever evolve. The weird thing is i’ve been here for a year and a half now. I’ve played on several different sports teams, lived with different roommates, worked at different companies. I’m not sure why things haven’t happened yet. I always thought I wanted to move back east because it would be easier to find people like me who I got along with and felt closer to, but I think ironically I had more of that in Cali. I guess for now I’m just in a holding pattern, waiting for something to change. I’m meeting a lot of people when I’m out at least, so there are always new possibilities popping up. The story of my life continues. I need to seize the bull by the horns and take active control of the direction my life takes.