i’m back

In some ways things are different now, but in some ways they are the same. I’m the proverbial tortured soul. I excel at some things and fail miserably at others. I win it all, and I lost it all, all at the same time. My heart is torn. I got the change I yearned for, and now I want to change again. I want to keep moving, to keep running. It gives me an excuse for the emptiness I feel. I’ve never felt like I fit, that’s why I keep moving from place to place. My job is going really well. I love my co-workers, i’ve gotten promoted, I’m the assistant buyer in a 2 person, 25 million dollar business. I make decisions that affect lives each and every day. I’ve succeeded at each task put before me. Doesn’t matter. We’re all get laid off in March. Welcome to corporate america. It’s ok though. I’m an executive, so if/when I go I get a nice severance package. Plus, I can get unemployment. Basically I can go take my europe trip that I never got a chance to take this summer. I might not want to come back. I know 2 people other than co-workers in this city. My roommate is anti-social and a workaholic, who is neurotic to boot. We get along fine, but she adds zero to my life. Our neighbors are all families. I have no home social life whatsoever. I’m cool with the co-workers, but I need to branch out and find more social avenues, and I’m having a tough time doing that so far. I kinda want to go back east, go back home. Be close to my dad, reconnect with my sister, see more of my aunt and uncle. I need to know i’m loved, I need to know I’m wanted. I need to know I’m needed. Cuz right now I don’t feel that. I feel like if I disappeared right now, nobody would notice. It’s not true, but it seems that way some times. The thing is, I’m the dictionary definition of the phrase "the grass is always greener on the other side". I’m constantly finding something that will be the answer to all my problems, then once I get there, my problems remain. Have things improved along the way? Sure. Definitely. Am I there yet? No way. I don’t know where there is, and I know it’s not a physical location, but it’s the kind of thing that you know it when you find it. I’m still looking. People don’t always get me. I’m sarcastic and cynical, and probably the most honest, friendly, loyal person you will ever meet. People don’t understand friendly and blunt, because here everyone is either one or the other. Actually, here it’s more like fake, or even more fake. The same thing that makes me successful makes people uneasy, because they don’t understand me. They see confidence, even intimidation. I’m the least scary person in the world. Intellect scares people though. I learn about everything I come across, and people don’t understand that. They don’t get why I know what I do. They  assumed I was some straight edge bookworm at first glance, and were shocked to find out the stories I can tell about various drug, alcohol and crime related exploits of my past. hey, i’m not perfect, but i’m a good person. I have a wild side, but it’s a controlled wildness. Almost a goofiness. Smart and misguided. That’s the roadpath to genius, or madness. That’s me in a nutshell.