Self destruction and more

    This is going to be one of those deep entries where I bear my soul. For its a new year and i feel if i get a few skeltons out of the closet maybe I wont feel the way I do.

    After doing some thinking to my self last night, I relised I can be self destructive at times.  I mean by the way I have treated people I used to work with and people I caled friends. Just by how I acted, and the things I said. I know I could of done more, or said nicer things. I alwsy wondered why hardly anyone I knew wanted nothing to do with me, why they always talked so harsh about me behind my back.

    I was depressed for a very long time. I used to cut and burn my self as a way of releasing the pain I felt inside. Maybe I did it because I am so insecure about my self. I swear im just a dilusional crazy person with self Image Issues.  I dont know why, but I have felt that way the Majority of my life.

    I can remember the one thing that took me out of the depression and gave meaning to my life was the army. It was  the most happy time in my life other than haveiong my boys. It gave meaning to my life and it gave me passion. Now that im out of the Army im finding my self more and more lacking the drive and happines I once had. The only true happiness I have in my life right now is my boys. Other than  my boys I see no real drive or ambition. I think the army was my calling, and now that Im out, I miss it more and more each day. I was thinking perhaps going guard might put that  passion back in my life that I once had. I dearly Miss the army and think that getting out was the stupidest thing Ive done other than to marry my husband, which I will talk more about him next.

    That stupid asshole I call a husband refused to support the kids. I told him I took out 500 to help pay for day care because I cant affoed it on my salary. I get 600 every 2 weeks he gets 1600 every  2 weeks. I know he can afford to help out. He bitched and yelled saying he dont want to help pay for daycare or buy diapers, that all he money is for his truck he wants to buy when he gets home. He is refuseing to help with supporting our twins. Little does he know im still gonna take the money to pay for day care. Hell my name is on the account anyways and I do have power of attorney. He would  rather buy a 30,000 dollar brand new truck than support his own children. He already has a truck that runs just fine.  He thinks I can pay all the bills and still affoerd day care .  2 weeks of day care is 460 dollars. That leaves me wth 140. and with gas I spend 70 dollars a week. I cant afford it. and IM taking this stupid counter off my diary also, why keep it when he is an ass hole.

    Great and now to make things worse, my damn f button on my computer has fallen off. Things are just crappy right now.