January 12, 2023

I can’t do this, babe.

Every day, no matter what, there is something you are not happy about, a reason to fight. I can literally come home from a 12-hour day, clean the kitchen, cook a “new favourite meal,” and then watch you head off to bed. The brief interaction we did have was an argument about a ticking TikTok, and I’m told I’m fucking gaslighting you again, followed by some pause or ceasefire after my shower and “love and care” while you put some cream on me and sleep.

I’m not suggesting you are entirely to blame. I know I’m highly strung and stressed with work, and now I’m constantly hating on my stepmom (actually, any cheater) and questioning my family after learning about that and the abuse that happened once I left. I never felt guilty about it until you mentioned it the other night.

Do I feel guilty that it happened when I left? I think I do, but that’s more because it either didn’t happen when I was in Robinvale, I blocked it out, or I didn’t know it happened. There is far too much going on upstairs, more than ever before: Family, Work, Finance, Pedophile priests in the press again, and then the realization that the woman who actually treated me like a son and unconditionally loved and was there for me is gone.

For fuck’s sake, I’ll be 40 in a few months, and I feel like I haven’t done enough. We don’t own our house, and I couldn’t even buy you a car when yours died. The only two things I’ve managed are to rob Peter to pay Paul to cover our monthly bills barely and somehow always have cigarettes.

And now I’m taking it out on everyone at home, and this needs to stop; it isn’t your fault and certainly not the kids’ fault. It’s mine and something I need to unpackage and deal with.

I think you’re doing the same with some of your issues. You come out at least twice a week and apologize for being a bitch. You are not sure what’s going on with yourself. But no matter what, we push each other’s buttons way too much.

I could write this for several hours, beating myself up on myself and nitpicking at you, but I don’t think it will achieve anything.

This needs to change. We need to change, whether that be through our individual counsellors or together in marriage counselling.

I love you to the end of the universe and back. You are my Ravek. I don’t want to lose us.

What are we to do? I want us back.

Honestly, what are we to do?

How do we fix this?

Do we do a Bel and Pete pack up and start again?

Do we not talk?

I have no answers, which is an even stranger feeling for me.

I contacted the clinic a few days ago, but Linda is on leave until Monday, and she schedules Pam’s appointments, so I won’t know more until next week. When is your next appointment?

I’m sorry for being short with you this morning. I’ve been up since 5, and I’m not sleeping. My body may be at home, but my brain is at work, and I think, as a result, so are my emotions.

I am sorry. I will try harder, and as much as it’s behavioural,

I’ve just realized that it’s possibly a survival/protective instinct to show or prove I am right. I will try not to correct you and take your word for it.

I love BLT. (BLO doesn’t flow as well as BLT, and I do like a BLT too!!)

Sorry XOXOX

Talk later?

12 Jan 2023, 8:55 AM