Flight, Fight, Freeze or Fawn

I’ve always had a hard time saying how I feel to people. (That’s why I write.) I guess it’s simply the way I grew up. We didn’t see, share, or show emotion growing up; it was always looked down on and seen as a weakness.

So was Flight, if you tried to runaway from the impending ass whopping, the beating it got a whole lot worse.

The presence of emotions even when receiving said flogging, if you cried you’re a sook your weak, or the old “I’ll give you a reason to cry” would be stated.

Fight, yeah, well, I tried that once, too, when my brother was getting it. I attempted to intervene. Needless to say, the wooden chair that Father sat on each night outside was busted right over my back, and when I came around in the back of an ambulance, I was told that I’d fallen off the roof trying to fix the TV antenna and landed on the now infamous chair.

Freeze became my go-to; if you hold yourself steadfast as I did on my 16th birthday, it’s seen as retaliation, a pushback, or, to quote him, “Oh, you 16! You think you are a man now, are you?” and the anger turned to rage, the slaps and hits turn to fists and kicks, little did they know that 16 years of this treatment had since taught me to be able to switch it off,

You have already killed me once with the chair (as a matter of fact, due to some weight loss, my wife pulled some wood out of a lump in my back last week, which could only be attributed to that)

So physically, go for it; I can’t feel it anymore; mentally, you’re scaring me forever, but I’d rather you take it out on me than my siblings.

Fawn—well… that’s what I do now. It was pointed out to me during my session last week. I didn’t know fawn was a thing. Once explained, I read that it describes 90% of my reactions to my current way of life. The other 10% is very much the aggressor, but it’s a learning journey.

Until then, I shall remain steadfast and let society do its thing with minimal interference from me; it’s my turn to work on myself.

1 Corinthians 15:58

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord, your labour is not in vain.