Day 1 – Mandatory Self Quarantine

Day 1 – Mandatory Self Quarantine   Took me a few days to catch my breath, but i have done a little editing. (mainly grammatical) 

WARNING EXPLICIT LANGUAGE BELOW!

My therapist wants me to write down my emotions, Personally I do not think that is a good idea, 

I know ultimately it’s to get them off my chest, but the last 3 hours of crying to fill a few lines isn’t something I’d call fun, so I thought I’d share it hear too anonymously, like we did in the late 90’s……  I do not care about your judgements or maybe I will, but still here goes.

Fucking! angry

Day 1 – Mandatory Self Quarantine 

“During self-quarantine, we won’t leave except for medical care or medical supplies, COVID-19 testing, in an emergency, if required by law, or to leave Victoria.”

[REMOVED WIFE’S NAME], Let’s call her Moana (as Moana means ocean)

Moana this may be one of the hardest things you will read but both you and my therapist, even my original one wanted me to get things of chest on to paper if I ever could so why not start now.

I’m angry I’m really really fucking angry, I am angry that right this very moment you are cleaning up around the house, because I got angry and took it out on the kids, I am angry that when I have a moment like that, I am the worst piece of shit cunt that exists and you literally follow me around the house staring at me, until I’ve left everyone alone. But yet you on a regular basis abuse and shred our children like it’s your god given right to yell at them like a westie wharfie door bitch for them to learn

But God forbid I have a moment and say one of your own lies, “I wish I was dead” it get mis construed and I’ve told my kid I wish he was dead.

I am angry that I am supposed to be locked in a room for 14 days, I’ve spent a great part of the day on the phone to see what support can be offered to us; as you “lost 3 kilos because your Trev wasn’t here to cook for you” support in the way of cooking or supplying precooked microwavable food, to open the fridge and see that 6 meals that I have arranged before I left all still sitting their ruined and not eaten.

 

I have done it too, Miss snorkels soup never got eaten.

 

I am angry that department of health had me in tears for hours last night and today because all I want to do I hug my family. It’s been less than 24 hours, and I breach quarantine to eat with you guys, to come talk to you in your room, to get food from outside, to fall asleep in front of the Simpsons.

 

I am even more angry that you are slamming doors bringing in the bins. Because of my little rant and it has obviously offended you into cleaning. (this is what happens) I make a cleaning comment, Moana yells at me and she cleans too for a day or two.

 

I am ready and have been ready for the last 4 months to be the primary in this house Moana and that is what I have been working towards.

I’ve gone and done the same thing I did at NCable I got key staff into key places and I am worried I’ve just made myself redundant. But I did that on purpose so I can be primary at home.

 

I can be parent A on the calls, I can be parent A in the morning with breakfasts, lunches and dinners, I can be the carer, the driver to and from scans, appointments, bloods, chemos, maybe sneaky lunches.

 

I am angry that a company I started 7 years ago got taken away from me due to one single flea stealing it all and causing me to have to merge.

I negotiated and kept all my staff, I negotiated they all have full time contracts as do I; and I negotiated that I would too be a partner and shareholder of the new and improved COMPANY NAME, its been 3 years this coming Thursday and I don’t have a single share.

B and G are truly some of the nicest people I have ever met, and B would do anything for our children or for you. But I am not happy.

If I am not busy I am not happy, and I am not busy because I have become complacent, redundant, forgotten and so so depressed.

 

Every single day I wonder which tree is the one big enough to accidently drive into it, I’ve done rescues, I know what an accident looks like vs a suicide, but you and my babies mean more to me than that.

I look in the mirror and I see my sad father eyes, a man that I remember as being fun, strong, bigger than Hercules and now I realised he is old, sore, tired, and probably feeling pretty burnt out and shit.

 

I miss my mum, the one that’s only just over the road waiting to come here to help us anyway at all, and to be honest, it eats me up inside so much that you don’t get along with my family, my family is far from perfect, to be honest some of things over the years have been outright criminal, but it’s still my family, The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb she may not be my blood, but she is my mother and I love her so.

Back to the bins, coming in right now and yelling at me again because the “image of laziness” yes! You’re absolutely fucking right, so many people know that we live here, didn’t help when I had a sign writing all over my car, I don’t want people to think, “they are too lazy to bring in the bins” or “they aren’t home their bins have been out for days”

I know stuck up image is a fault I have, I like to present well, I people see the neat tidy yard and I don’t know why the opinions of strangers affect me so much, but they do.

I have lived and grown up in the communities wear aboriginal kids did not wear shoes and very little clothing, not because they didn’t want to, because they didn’t have any.

People looked down their noses at them,

These same communities looked down on you if you had the slightest shade of tan on your skin, yet for some reason it still feels like my home, and I miss it dearly.

This same community only stopped looking down its nose at me personally when I was seen working at the fish shop, then the pizza shop, then this fancy arse got a job at the supermarket! A dark guy checkout chick, what is this world coming too. Even more surprising when the fire siren went off, they didn’t seem to care to much the colour of me when I was jumping off the truck to help them.

So yes I have a massive problem with the publics opinion of not just my appearance, but the appearance of my family, my house, my vehicle.

It’s one of the wedges pushing me and the Watts’s apart, his lazy jokes. Me Lazy! Fuck Off!

I really don’t think people know how much I do each day, not even you babe

I was angry when you went to the clinic all those years ago, but proud you worked so hard to battle those demons, proud you battled harder habits and lost all that weight.

 

Then you got Fibro and and magically untreatable disease that can be here today, gone the next, and has no fucking cure or long term treatment other than walk it off and take each day as it comes, then lost your bestest most good friend and spent 6 months in bed. And I don’t blame you, but it undone all your work, it hurt me, it hurt the kids, there were times we felt her death was more important that our Love.

Meanwhile during all this you lost your “Psudeo” best friend because she is too ignorant to realise she was an old school friend of Laz not a best friend.

 

After all this you started to heal, it was amazing, there was new wife, bum wiggles, sexual advances but I was already broken, and then WHAM  TNBC what the actual fuck! You have Cancer.

The other day in the good doctor Shaun was treating a little boy whom they thought had cancer,  and the chat went like this

Boy: I’m not afraid about the actual death part.

Shaun: Because you believe you’re going to Heaven?

Boy: Because I don’t.

If I believe in Heaven, then I got to believe in God, then I got to believe God made me sick.

How messed up is that?

I haven’t been able to shake that, and again more anger, I am angry with God, he made me strong, he made me compassionate, he made me many good and some bad things, but he made my wife so so sick and for what, its not a fucking game, there at people all over the world dying of disease, poverty, being killed because the colour of their skin isn’t the right one, or because they where born in the wrong meat suit and identify as something someone else doesn’t agree with.

My bottle is full and I am sad, and I am angry and I’m alone and I finally have to face my actually biggest fears.

And I’m alone I can’t hug my kids I can’t hug you, all because of stupid fucking business trip that put me in the wrong city on the wrong day,