Two Thousand Twelve

January: I started the year feeling amazingly confident. I was at the lowest weight in my adult life (at the time — it kept dropping until summer) and was in the middle of my fitness craze. Working out 4-6 hours a day and eating a super clean diet and feeling altogether amazing. Fitness was very much the focus of my life. (sidenote: I can’t WAIT to get back into that state of being. It’s where I’m happiest.) I was also struggling with my down cycle (bi-polar? check.) and since I couldn’t use food as a coping mechanism, I dove headfirst into television. Specifically, I watched the entire series of Felicity on Netflix. Multiple times. Nonstop. It wasn’t pretty.

February: Spent lots of time working out. Lots of time with The Mexican. Also met Tyler, a guy who made only a brief appearance in my microverse. He was awesome on paper, less so in person.

March: My birthday month! All of my birthday plans fell through and the last thing I wanted to do was sit at home alone on my personal holiday so I wound up working. Mildly better than stuffing my face on the couch while watching Netflix. At least I got paid!

April: My first trip to Bahrain of the year. The Mexican was in Mexico at the time and I spent my quiet nights in the Gulf chatting with him on Facebook. Red and the kids came home to the states for a visit and I nearly died from the stress of having them in my home, but we got through it. As we always do.

May: Another trip to Bahrain. Tried my hand at international online dating. Met up with a Bahraini guy who was very sweet. We met for… for… omg, what is it called? There’s sliced fruit and melted chocolate. Fondue!! Yes. That’s it. Anyway. He seemed into me, but the sparks just weren’t there on my side. It was awkward having to make up an excuse to leave the house. Red knew I was meeting a guy from the internet, but her husband would NOT have been okay with that so we told him that I was going out with this guy Shafiq that I met at the mall. Of course, that pissed him off and he and Red wound up fighting because he knew Shafiq was married. So I told Red to tell him that I went on a double date. We told him that Shafiq and his wife brought a friend for me to meet. He was satisfied with that scenario. Lame. I hate having to lie about things like that. I’m too old to have to justify my behavior!! But I hate even more the thought of stirring up trouble so I just went with it. Oh yeah, I  also met Mohammed on this trip.

June: The first day of the month was spent on a plane back to Los Angeles. And it was on this very plane that I met the Italian. I spent the rest of the month squeeing about him. I also hit up Runyon Canyon for the first time.

July: Spent the 4th babysitting and missed out on fireworks. Again. Bummer. Also lost my trainer this month. He moved to Hollywood and I have been lost without him ever since. (sidenote: I’m ready to change that. I can stop being a chicken shit and just start lifting on my own. It’s time to view this as an opportunity for growth.)

August: Hawaii! Got paid to live in paradise for two and a half weeks, but it’s not my bag. I stressed the entire time I was there, coped with food, and gained 10 pounds. Which I’m still carrying around. Ugh. Drove straight to Sacramento the morning after I got back from Hawaii. Never even bothered to unpack. Spent a few days with one of the many loves of my life. I only mention him once in a while in my diary, but he’s a daily topic of my offline conversations.

September: Spent the month in a nasty cycle of stress eating, then stressing about how much I’d been eating, then eating more because of the stress. It was horrible. A few months earlier I had told Mohammed in a phone conversation that I was going to the gym 6 hours a day. And at the time it was true! Of course, because I told him that he expected that I was going to be a lot thinner when I went to visit him in Dubai. So I spent the entire month of September flogging myself over my failure and punishing myself with food.

October: All of that self-punishment culminated in sabotaging what could have been an awesome and romantic getaway. I was fat and broke and just wasn’t up for being open and vulnerable. I painted Mohammed in a bad light when I discussed our time together, but it was just as much my fault as it was his. Oh well. Live and learn. After bombing with Mohammed, I met a guy on my flight back to Bahrain. He was raised in Bahrain, but now lives and works in Dubai. We went out a few times and I thought it was just going to be a hit it and quit it, but he’s been in regular contact ever since. He may even be in LA on business in the next few months! So we’ll see how that goes. I suppose I should get around to writing a real entry about him, but *meh* Aside from a few hours of fun, he doesn’t have a great deal of influence in my life.

November: Rough month. My mom moved out (yay!) at the one time in the three years that she’s been staying with me that I couldn’t afford to lose her as a roommate (boo!) and when I desperately needed someone to lean on, the Mexican was off falling in love with his new girlfriend (ugh!). I spent a good deal of time crying, eating, and being generally numb to life. Excessive amounts of resumes sent out. Very few job interviews. Zero offers.

December: Found part-time work with a personal trainer who has opened his own studio and is looking to expand. Worked part-time for UPS as a driver helper. Continued babysitting. Managed to make rent. Two days before Christmas, but hey! At least it was in the same month. Interviews continued. Zero job offers. Maintaining hope for the new year. But it wasn’t all doom and gloom!. I got to meet my internet crush in the flesh. It was marvelous and hopefully it will be the first of many meetings. I will be ending my year on a less enthusiastic note than it began. I will be working until probably 11, then back home to hang out solo. The Italian will call me at midnight to ring in my new year with me as I called him at noon my time to ring in his new year with him. Because we’re cheesy like that.

Here’s to an awesome 2013!