The Phoenix

You may have read this entry before. It is one of the few entries that I managed to find after OD’s hacking incident.

My biggest struggle with Boyfriend has been a lack of “I love you”. After two years of dating, you’d think that it would be instinctual to end a phone conversation with those three words. When you’ve invested so much time in a relationship one could expect that each partner would have uttered said phrase so many times that it became as meaningless as, say, ‘cheese sandwich’ (yes, I did steal that from a movie…but can you tell me which one??). I, however, have always been one to step away from the crowd and dance down the street to my own off-key melody. In this instance, I would prefer to march to the same boring drum that most every other couple finds suitable.

The first time I told Boyfriend I loved him, I was tricked into it. When someone hears that, their first reaction involves raised eyebrows, pursed lips and a question mark hanging over their head. “How on earth can someone trick you into saying that?” Easily…

As much as I’d like to deny it, hormones play a big role in what I say, think, feel and do. Heightened levels of the appropriate hormones cause freshly cleaned sheets to be soiled, lethargic bodies to be injected with energy and idiotic phrases to slip from one’s mouth. Asking me to be logical while in the middle of honeymoon-era, coital fun is simply hebetudinous. Is anyone logical while satisfying their most primal desires?? I have always thought it unfair for a woman to ask a serious question while handling her man. There is an obvious disadvantage there as his blood can only feed one head at a time.

During a romp in our googly-eyed days, Boyfriend said to me “It sure would be nice if you could love me some day.” Trying to both please him during what would surely be the highlight of his day (and I WILL take it personally if it wasn’t!!), I whispered, “I think I already do.” He asked me to say it, so I did. “I love you, (Boyfriend).” Expecting an equally affection requital, my mood was broke when I realized the only response Boyfriend would generate were the typical grunts and groans of physically strenuous pleasure. I was crushed. How could he ask me to make that kind of a statement when he had no intention of giving me a socially acceptable response?? From that moment on the clock was ticking. How long would it take for him to say it? He let it slip once. I was upset over Dog-knows what and he hugged me saying, “I don’t want you to cry, I love you!” He took in a quick, quiet breathe and I knew he said it unintentionally. He’s said it two or three times in a song. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…you’ll never know dear, how much I love you…” Cheesy, I know. I don’t know what it is that makes it so hard for his mouth to formulate those particular words.

Last night, however, he seemed to have his mouth appropriately trained. We were lying in bed drifting off to sleep when he snuggled up to me and whispered in my ear “(sourapple), I do love you. I just wanted you to know that. If I got hit by a train tomorrow I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I never told you that.” Respecting the significance of the moment I did not point out that he wouldn’t have to worry about living after he’d been hit by a train. I was most definitely shocked by his willingness to volunteer this tidbit of information. Even more so, I was shocked by my lack of emotional reaction. I couldn’t believe that I was impacted so little by his confession. I have known for quite some time that he loves me. I knew long before he did. It was almost like someone pointing towards the sky while screaming excitedly, “Wow! The sky is blue! Hey everybody! Look, the sky is blue!” One of those whoopidydoo moments. I wonder, now, if he will continue to say it. That is what I need. I need to hear it on a regular basis. I’m curious to see how he will end our next phone conversation.