Kinky Sex (Makes the World Go Around)

I want to join the USMC. I’ve wanted to for as long as I can remember. Long before my teenaged years, I saw myself in bootcamp. It is an idea that has me struck with both awe and terror. My cousin is a Devil Dog. I am proud of him…and I’m ashamed of my envy.

I have to admit that I have some distrust towards soldiers. As much as I admire men in the military I don’t think I could ever bring myself to trust one enough to be in a relationship with him. I’m sure GlitterSmurf would gladly rant about my days as a Marine-slut. It began in that clique, but didn’t end there. I have slept with too many married, engaged or committed soldiers to count. I am not saying it because I am proud, I am just saying that it is something that I did. I have grown and now I’m rather ashamed of myself. I can only imagine how the girls I helped betray would feel if they met me and knew what I did. I wasn’t the first, and I won’t be the last…but that is no excuse. I realize not every guy cheats and not every soldier cheats, but I’ve got too much baggage there. My analytical side says there are soldiers out there that have never cheated, but my emotional side has yet to meet one. I only hope that the girls who contemplate repeating my actions can take just a second and realize that the girls back home are REAL GIRLS. They are REAL PEOPLE…not nameless faces. Because we can’t see them it is easy to dismiss them. That is NOT an excuse!!

But there I go interrupting myself again. Damned Schooly making me think! *ugh* This is such crap. I can’t figure my friggin’ life out. There is so much I want to do. I want to settle down and have a family, I want to go into business, I want to be an actress, writer, director, documentarian, soldier, journalist…SUPERWOMAN! I can’t do it all…or can I?

I think I’m using Boyfriend as too much of an excuse. I honestly don’t think he would support me in my desire to serve my country. Not because he thinks isnt for women or anthing like that. He is just a high-maintenance boyfriend and I don’t think he’d do well in a long-distance relationship. They take an extreme amount of strength and maturity to be succesful. I don’t know that he (or I) has that. I am okay with the fact that he is high-maintainence. I am, too. But how much am I really going to sacrifice for a guy that may just end up leaving me? When I talked to the recruiter a few months ago he said it is not uncommon for married women to have a hard time getting their husbands to sign the release to allow them to enlist. He said a lot of guys have a hard time with the idea. I wasn’t worried about it at the time. Technically, I shouldn’t be worried about it now. Afterall, I’m not married. I don’t have an engagement ring…I don’t even have someone that says “I love you.”

Am I just used to the companionship? Sometimes I think so. Then sometimes I think that I tell myself that because it is easier than dealing with the problems in the relationship. I realize that every relationship has problems…but when do you say enough is enough? And if he were to walk out of my life…then what? Where would I go? I would still be as lost as I am now. It wouldn’t provide much help in deciding which way to turn. It would present me with MORE choices, not less. And, dammit, I’ve got too many as it is! I can’t figure this all out. My head hurts.