It’s almost like praying…

This entry may go private soon. I don’t know how I feel about sharing these intensely personal thoughts, if only because I don’t want to offend anyone that is hurting right now. These words are just my way of grieving.

I hate that there’s no mention of her in OD news. I’m angry that there isn’t something up in Readers Choice about her death. Not that I want this entry put up there, but I thought there would have been someone writing about her death with some form of eloquence. She was so loved. Maybe everyone is just going through the same thing I am. Maybe we’re all at a loss for words.

I miss her. I know other ODers do, too.

I keep wondering… how many years ago did we meet? I can’t even remember. I’ll have to do a notes search soon to figure that out. But I’m almost positive she’s the oldest OD friend I have. Insane.

We knew she was going to take her own life. She wrote out the details of her plan. I never tried to intervene, though. I understand what it is to have chronic clinical depression. I know the toll it takes on your soul and I respect her desire to end that pain. It wasn’t a rash decision made over a heart broken by an unfaithful lover. It was so much deeper and more complicated than that.

"It will get better" and "there are people who love you" are band aids that can only cover so much.

I respect her right to do with her life as she pleases. I’m not thankful that she’s gone, but I’m thankful that she’s no longer in pain. There are some who believe her pain will continue because she’s condemned herself to hell, etc — I do not agree. I believe her pain has ended. And I sincerely hope that’s the case.

I’m thankful she did not take anyone else with her.

I miss her. I love her. I hope she’s at peace.