Insert Happy Cliche Here

I didn’t know it was possible to give yourself deadleg.

I am so depressed right now. It would take me way too long to explain why. It is for a variety of reasons. I have struggled with depression for my entire life. It is a stifling condition to be in. I’m sorry that I haven’t noted much lately. I haven’t had to energy to do much of anything. I haven’t even had the energy to cry…which is all I want to do right now.

I am so frustrated with life in general. I am not going to do anything rash. There is no possibility of suicide. If it was ever going to happen it would have happened years ago, but I got through those years. I know now that things will get better. Even as I write this I know that at some point I will be smiling and perky again. I will be laughing with friends and cuddling with Boyfriend. But at this exact moment in time those things feel a lifetime away. I feel so fucking alone. I hate it.

I will not start cutting again…I don’t think. There really is a lot of joy in cutting. If you’ve never done it you don’t understand the rush. Emotional pain is intangible. You cannot point to a part of your body and say “It hurts”. That is where cutting comes in. It feels good. It hurts, but it is a relief. If I start cutting again it will not be like I did in high school. In high school I was crying out for help. I never wanted to kill myself, but I used to cut lightly on my wrists in the hopes that someone would see. I remember two instances with two separate teachers when I handed a paper in to them. I gave them the paper, sliced wrist thrust forward, in hopes that they would see…that they would care. It didn’t work. I have learned from that experience that you cannot expect anyone to help you. If you want help you have to specifically ask for it. I am not that strong. I cannot just say to someone “I need help”.

I have a counselor, but I can’t bring myself to ask her for help either. When I meet with her I am always happy and smiling. My PR face is on. The one person that really needs to see my dark side is probably the only one that has never even gotten close. Its part pride, part self-defense. There is a certain comfort in depression. I am familiar with it. Though it is painful, I know how to deal with the pain. Therapy would be unfamiliar territory…and aren’t we all terrified of the unknown?

I need a guy right now. Boyfriend won’t do. He is too distracted. He has too much going on in his own world right now. But I need a guy to hug me and tell me everything is alright. This is so pathetic. I may end up deleting this lameass entry.

Edit: Please do NOT leave notes telling me the dangers of cutting or ANYTHING of that nature. I don’t need your lectures.

take the death quiz.

Well that sure helped my mood.

Tehlemming

June 12, 2004

dont you just love that feeling you get when someone looks you in the faces and asks you if “everything is ok” or some s*** and you just smile and say fine while screaming on this inside (sorry about the tone of this, just a feeling i guess)

(huggles) Just five minutes at a time, just five minutes is all you have to get through. And once those worst five minutes of your life are past, well, then they’re past. God and Goddess know that I know depression/various chemical inbalances don’t make sense, but sometimes, the only thing that helps me is visualizing a little fairy-a fairy called Hope. May the sun shine on your soul

kid

ryn: mmmmm thankyou xxox

PrincessLeia

Aw, Em, I’m sorry you feel this way. I am still in a state of depression too. Not many people know about it, if any at all. I always put up a mask to hide what I’m truely feeling. But josh gets me through my darkest days and brings me joy on my best ones. Just take it day by day, and I’m always here to listen if you need to talk. ~Sarah

ya. its like that. kind of. xxox

joshlt

those teachers u handed papers too are f*cked up!! sliced wrists forward and they didn’t do nuthin they suck! ohh well *hugs you!* ;^) …… I hope u get to see your boyfriend soon. godbless you Josh

AzWeThinkWeIz

Sometimes the people that you think would care don’t, but don’t let that affect you. We all do get depressed sometimes because life isn’t meant to always be happy. The pain endured is ultimately worthwhile when you finally experience happiness. Ok, I went far off on that and don’t know how I ended up babbling. Please feel a little bit better! =)

🙁 that makes me sad to read. I hope you feel better very soon. I suppose i cant know exactly, but i know of similar feelings to the one you describe – but, no, i’ve learned it to be false. There are always people that will care about you and always be someone to talk to if you need it – i guess you just need to know the right people 🙂 …

… I’m not so sure how i can help, especially not knowing your full situation, but please, know my thoughts and prayers are with you 🙂 hey, spiritually and emotionally, I’m here for you, as much as i can be. Know i’d give you a big hug if i were around 🙂 I hope you feel better real soon- nice girls should never have to cry… please take care of yourself and be happy again soon 🙂 bye!

And i know you didnt want to hear it, but no cutting any wrists, OK? 🙂 I and many others (as it appears, since you have a lot of caring notes 🙂 ) want you BETTER, to heal yourself, not to hurt yourself. OK? So just remember that – you are never alone, so, please, cheer up and feel better soon! Take care 🙂

*Gives you a hugg*. I know how it feels .. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I still am but the one that I have to keep me from going crazy is my cat. She is my sweetie .. well maybe cause I dont have anyone else in my life. Pathetic isnt it. *sigh* But at least I know that she will be happy to see me when I get home, and she will always love me. Take it easy ..

*hugs*

I really hope you can shake this off.*hugs*

AmpleImperfection

June 14, 2004

I was a psych major and I feel like, more than likely, your counselor knows that you’re depressed or at least that something is going on. I think it would be awesome if you could open up just a little to let her in so that she can help you. You don’t have to tell her every single thing that you’re thinking or that’s wrong…just start small. Ok, there’s my lecture/supportive talk 😉

*hugs* its gonna be alright! I’m not a guy, but I’ll try anyway. I know when I feel bad, I want the samething.

keldor

June 17, 2004

*nods* All I can offer is that you’re not alone. As for the teachers? People don’t see things if they aren’t looking, and teachers in particular aren’t looking for anything as broad as depression. As long as you’re not rigging up a complex system of mirrors to see your neighbor’s paper, they don’t care, for the most part.