Frazzled

Please forgive the scattered nature of this entry. My brain is on the fritz and I’m writing in the hopes that I can gather my thoughts once and for all.

I said in a recent entry that I need to feel like I’m standing on solid ground. That’s still absolutely true and yet I still feel as though I’m floating in the middle of the sea. I feel like I can’t take a step because my life just has too many variables. I need stability.

I was visiting one of my favorite beach bums this weekend and I was looking around at her life and there was just a twinge of envy because she’s settled. Now, she may argue with this statement because she and her boyfriend just moved into a new place and haven’t even finished unpacking yet, but still. Overall, she is settled. She is working in an industry that she enjoys, she’s living with a man that she envisions being with for the long haul. She knows where her next paycheck is coming from. She knows who is going to be by her side when she wakes up in the morning. She can go to the movies or take a vacation or just lay in the sun and not have this voice in the back of her head constantly nagging her to get her life together, that she’s too old to be this lost.

I have another friend in Colorado who is married with a daughter and a mortgage and pets and again, her life is settled. Both of these friends have problems, of course. No one’s life is jeweled. The grass is always greener. Blah blah blah blah blah. I know all this.

I’m just so sick of not knowing where my life is going. I’m sick of being unemployed. I’m sick of not even knowing whether or not I’m single. I need some form of stability in SOME aspect of my life. I’m exhausted and I can’t keep playing these games for much longer. I just want to relax.