Blast from the Past

Eleven months ago readers were inundated with stories of breakup woes. Prepare for a flashback…

Last night I was telling Boyfriend of my passion for acting. Recent events have sparked a burst of creativity and my need for show-lights has come back stronger than ever. I was throwing out random ideas on how to change the course of my career and focus on acting when tension began to grow. Naturally, I tried to drop the subject. He insisted I should follow my dream. He stated his case by telling me I was talented and it would be wasteful not to find every opportunity I could to showcase that talent. He had dreams, too, he said, and he wanted to follow those dreams. He wants to start his own company and he says it will require every moment of spare time and every dime of extra money. I knew exactly what he was saying. I became instantly withdrawn and headed for bed. He offered to help turn out the lights, but was quickly declined. I wasn’t interested in help from a man who didn’t want me.

We headed into the bedroom and slipped under the covers, laying there with the blankets drawn over my head. He laid next to me rubbing my arms, my legs, kissing my forehead. On any other night I would have been giggly and equally affectionate. Instead I continued to lay under the covers, cold. I didn’t know what to do. If I opened my eyes and looked at him I would be crying as I am now. I don’t want to cry over him anymore. I don’t want to hurt over him anymore. But I do. I can’t help it. I love him. I’m not ready to lose him. But I wasn’t ready to lose him last year either, and look where it has led me.

I called him this morning to see if we could get together. I don’t know why. I know I can’t change his mind. But I don’t want to spend the weekend apart when last night was so horrible. I called Mooskers to see if we were still having girl’s night. Predictably, it had been cancelled. So as soon as I got the clear from her I called Boyfriend to check out his plans for the evening. I was greeted with the same lack of affection as I had given him when he offered to turn out the lights. Apparently I dole out very bitter medicine. He said he’d gotten the note I left on his brief case, but had been reluctant to call me because he ‘didn’t want to get into it.’ I told him I had no intentions of starting anything. I just wanted to see if he was free for the evening since my girl’s night had been cancelled. He continued on about how he didn’t feel like fighting until it got to the point that we were fighting about not fighting.

One day I will learn how to have a functional relationship.