Beautiful Nightmare

• Last night I had a dream about Rise Against. I had somehow stumbled upon this tiny club show that they were playing and then at the end the whole place cleared and it was just Tim playing and singing and I was the only one in the audience. I’m such a teenager.
• The concert over which I’d been squeeing sold out in the blink of an eye. They regularly give tickets away to caller 20. I keep getting caller 19. The universe hates me. I’ve finally given up hope of going.
• I’ve also been dreaming about Sam a lot (one of the guys from the hostel). I don’t miss him in particular, but I miss the time we spent together because it never turned into sex. It was fun flirting and being affectionate without the pressures that usually go along with it. That’s what I keep dreaming about.
• Two people have walked back into my life this month and I’m more than a little bit terrified that they’re going to tear my family apart again. If that happens, I’m not sure we can be stitched back together and the thought is destroying me.
• GirlX caught me at a moment of weakness last night when she asked if we could get together for coffee. I usually blow her off (haven’t seen her in ages and her existence annoys me), but I have been feeling massively rejected of late and needed the ego boost so I said yes. It was the most awkward hour of my life. She hasn’t changed a bit. I hope I’m not the same person she dated. I don’t think I am, but who knows?
• Two of my friends from Edmonton came down this week. They’re staying at a hotel in Redondo near the church where they got married. They were high school sweethearts and have been happily married for over 30 years!! I’m totally in love with them. I was telling them how my time up north last month made it impossible to get into the Christmas spirit because of our damn tropical weather. It got me to thinking about how much I really did fall in love with that city and how there were so many good omens and maybe I should just listen to what many are saying: throw caution to the wind and just GO. But then today I get an email that Nameless had updated his diary (that little setting was immediately changed — an unnecessary slap in the face is what it was) and so I read it because I’m a fucking glutton for punishment. And just reading that he could sum up everything that we were, and everything I still hoped (hope?) we could be in like two sentences made me realize I’m simply not ready to be in the same city with him. Not until I’ve truly moved on. Or at least until Sharon has broken up with her girlfriend and I am too distracted by copious amounts of lesbian sex to even realize he is still alive.
• I designed a Christmas card for my old boss, but I didn’t realize it was in 72 dpi and the printers need at least 300dpi and the way that I created the original doc I couldn’t just go into photoshop and change the dpi. I had to start from scratch. So I’m sitting here at my old desk at my old job with my old boss (living my old life) because I’m a dumbass and couldn’t get the job right the first time. But it’s okay because I really do love being here.
• I really wish I had the clarity of thought to get into everything that’s going on right now. I can barely even fathom the pressures that are weighing me down and I just need.a.break. I’ve traveled a lot this year so it’s not like I need a vacation. I just need a break. I no longer wish to feel as though everyone’s lives depend upon me. I like that I can be there for my loved ones, but I really need someone to be there for me.
• This is totally left-field, but I was just thinking about all of the really long silences there were last night between GirlX and I. It would be obvious to anyone that if you have nothing at all to talk about that the chemistry just wasn’t there, but it was especially jarring to me because we used to talk on the phone for five hours at a time. This is a BIGGGG deal in my world. The phone gives me massive panic attacks. I frequently don’t pick up the phone when friends call not because I don’t wish to talk to them, but because it gives anxiety like whoa. I often find myself counting my breath just to get through five minute convos that consist of nothing more than confirming dinner reservations. So for me, the sign that I’m really into someone is if I can talk with them on the phone. That’s how I knew McStupid was "the one" when I was a teenager. But that’s a story for another time.
• And now that I’ve fixed my boss’s Christmas card it’s time for me to head to the valley to once again don my Superman cape and save the fucking world. I’m so tired. When is someone going to save me?

That is a far too depressing note on which to end this entry, so let’s all oooh and aaah over my new haircut instead!