Be Careful What Wish You For

This was written at work on Monday as I waited (im)patiently for the internet to start working again (it was only restored half an hour ago!!!!!). It’s amazing how dependant we are on email and the web in general in our office. Anyway, I thought I’d start working on my story Put Me In the Car, but I couldn’t think of anything to write. So I figured I’d start just writing in stream of consciousness form. It is so hard for me to post this without editing it. There isn’t a sentence that I don’t want to change in one way or another, but I thought posting the completely unedited version was the most honest thing I could do (even the italics code was something I wrote, I guess I spend too much time on message boards). The first sentence was about the story. The second sentence is where things went wrong…
 
     This chapter will be all about Ryan. He will go to another planet and fight space aliens, all the while directing another chapter of the Lord of the Rings: The Animated Series, featuring characters from ABC’s Lost. My hands are shaky. Fuck that, I’m shaky. I feel like I need a fix, but there is no one to go to right now. Not during business hours. Not in this city. Eew, I’m fat. Can you believe that? I’ve been in denial, but it’s true. Oh my gosh, my ears are bleeding. This is NOT Caleb’s best song. It’s giving me a headache. I feel like I’m at Norwood’s listening to drunken Valley rats sing karaoke. Oh, the pain! Will the suffering never cease? Oh look! The song is over! Praise be to Real Player. No, no. Praise be to Mark Ruffalo. He got me laid this weekend. Twice. I rule. He was so hot in In The Cut. Have you seen it? I have. Again. And again. And again. Not the entire movie. I’ve only watched it once in it’s entirety. But something about Mark’s mustachioed character Malloy just… *gah*. I shouldn’t even write about it right now. No! Down Eminy! There are no men around that you can use and abuse. Just stop. But I can’t. Now that I’ve started. He is hot. Hottie, hottie, hotness. Mrs. Ruffalo is one lucky lady. Just one night, man. Just one night. Hell, just one hour! It would last me a lifetime. Shit, must stop thinking about this. No really, must. Must. Must. Lust. Shit. See how this works? WILL stop thinking… about… Mark… Ruffalo… Actually, it’s not [i]him[/i]. It’s the character. Malloy. Mmmmmmmmmm. Goodness. Yummy, yummy, goodness. There is a scene in a bar where he tells Meg Ryan’s character (Frannie? Can’t remember, don’t really care) that he could be anything she wanted him to be. I probably should have been offended by what he said, but I wasn’t. Not in the least. I was drawn to his boldness. I see in him some of the guys I’ve been with in the past. (note: been with, not dated. I have yet to learn to ‘date’) This is really pathetic. I must stop thinking about sex. I mean, it is rarely even good. Shit, just STOP. Caleb, Caleb, Caleb, Caleb, Caleb… hmm, that didn’t work. Normally talk of Caleb will distract me from anything. I’m sorry, did you say there is a pack of elephants charging our vehicle? Oh, that’s okay – Caleb’s on! Woohoo! Ya, seriously. Although actually… I’m not talking about screwing! Yay! Well I did just there. But only to point out that I wasn’t talking about it. So that counts, right? Ya. It does. In my head it does and that’s all that really matters. So anyway, as I was saying. Caleb. Did you know that I love his music? Of course you didn’t. I mean, I’m so good at keeping the things I’m passionate about under wraps that you’ve probably never even heard his name.
 
Oh my god, the internet is still out. What am I going to do? It’s driving me insane! Oh no, I almost talked about what I was doing on Sunday at 4am. You don’t want to know. Even I don’t want to know. Let’s see… la la la. Caleb! Yay! A safe subject! He obviously proved to be a distraction, but not for long enough. Oooh, I know. GRIZZLY MAN!! My mom did not want me to watch it. She says she did not want me to watch it because it was disturbing. That was the wrong thing to say. If you want me not to do something then you can’t say, “Don’t do it.” That’s the only way to make sure that I will (quick: someone tell me not to lose weight!). So I rented it. And I started to watch it. But oh my god was I bored. But at least it broke my bout of insomnia. So I woke up after a few minutes and tried to start again. Failed. Woke up again and just watched from where I was. Failed. I couldn’t stay awake. Maybe it was the fact that in the past forty-eight hours I’d only had five hours of sleep, maybe it was the fact that the rain outside made it a perfect environment for napping, or maybe it really was just that boring. I did not find the guy and his passion/insanity interesting in the least. It is going straight back to Blockbuster today (or tomorrow, depending on how much time I have) and I’m renting Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. More Mark Ruffalo. In undies. *yum* Shit, there I go again.
 
Okay, okay, okay, okay… PAULA POUNDSTONE! YES! There is a distraction! I am going to see her show tonight and I’m WICKED EXCITED!!! My date? Not so much. He was expecting to see M:I:3 (am I a complete loser for having typed out the title in that format?), but I informed him that I gave up our movie tickets so we could instead see the wonderful mizz (how do you spell out Ms?!) Poundstone. I promised him that if he hated her we could go see the movie and it would be on me (since we were originally scheduled to see it for free anyway at a Paramount screening). I coulda just given him the tickets to see the movie (can you tell that I’m actively avoiding having to type either M:I:3 or Mission: Impossible 3?), but he’d have to go by himself. Paramount requires that you have your full name on the guest list and then present photo ID to be allowed onto the lot. I put his name down so he could have gone, but unless he knew another Emily Johnson he’d be pretty much screwed. So ya, instead he is going with me to see Paula.
 
I have to pee. Here, listen to some wonderful holding music (Caleb) while I’m gone.
 
<span style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt”>Did you miss me? Really? Well fuck you then; I didn’t miss you either. *pshaw* Anyway, where was I? What was I thinking about? Oh ya, both the stalls in the bathroom were taken. So I still have to pee. Not that you cared. But this is stream-of-consciousness (not stream of conscienceness as Meg Ryan points out in In The Cut – oh shit, I’m thinking about that movie again – NOOOOO!) so I get to write whatever the hell comes into my head. And you know what’s in my head right this exact second? Caleb! Because he’s still singing to me (yes, to me. Directly to me and no one else) I don’t know how this clip managed to find it’s way onto the net, but I’m not digging it. The song is Freak (check out my videos on MySpace to see him perform it at his last show *squeeee*) and it sounds like he was 17 when he recorded it. His voice has matured (heehee, I almost typed mustache) since he recorded it. It is one of those songs that really sticks out for the people who go to his shows. For me, I’m not a huge fan. It’s a difficult song to listen to and I personally find it a tad too whiney for my tastes. Though I’m desperate to find out the story of ‘the man in the jacket that had a Navy patch.’ And I’m glad that it didn’t turn into a suicide song. It starts out “Dear mother and father, if you’re reading this now you probably just got home from God-knows-where and went into my room to tell me how tired you both are and how tired I make you…” So naturally, that’s what I thought it was going to be the first time I heard it. Then toward the end of the song he sings, “I will not take my own life to validate what you have done. Won’t let the sins of the father become those of the son.” But still, it’s just not one of those songs you rock out to with your windows down as you cruise along PCH. But it DOES make one helluva live song. I went on a blind date once to see Caleb’s show (if I liked the guy, it’d be a good date. If I didn’t like the guy, at least I got to see Caleb. See the logic?) and the guy turned to me with brows raised as Caleb sang Freak and he mouthed ‘ouch’. Ya, that pretty much sums it up.
 
In case you care, he and I are not dating. Dude, I can’t believe my friend even set me up with him. He was [i]weeks[/i] out of a six-year relationship. And before that he’d been married and had two sons with her. And because he had been living with his last ex, he has moved into his parents place. So basically Tami set me up with some guy who’s living with his parents, is divorced, has two kids (and still wants a daughter) and works at a fucking deli. Oh, and I had to drive because his car wasn’t dependable enough to make it the twenty-five miles to the show. Oh my god. What the hell made her think this was a man I should be with? I mean, I appreciate that she wants to see me happy and I know that in her mind she was doing something good. But dude. Seriously. No. I have fucking standards. Unless of course I had just watched In the Cut and just really need to get some. Then I still have standards, but they are low. Like, to my toes. Speaking of, one of the guys that I messed around with this weekend has tried to contact me three times. Once was the morning after. He sent me this long email about how much fun he’d had and how he’d hoped to see me again. Naturally, I did not respond. Then he sent me two or three more. And I think he tried to call me last night. Freak.
 
Ya, I gotta change the subject again. Because if I don’t I’ll start talking about a whole lotta crap that you REALLY don’t want to know about.
 
Please don’t wait for me. Please don’t wait for me. Please don’t wait for me cause I’ll be late. I’ll be late. I’ll be late again.
 
I figured typing out Caleb’s lyrics as he sings them (another one of his less than stellar songs, I really don’t dig his early stuff) would help to distract me from less pleasant topics. So that’s what I’m going to do. Hang on while I start the song from the beginning. *hold music*
 
Late
All my days bleeding into one
Bringing back the songs
That we never sung
Crazy words are filling up my mind
I ask you once again
I ask you one more time
 
Please don’t wait for me
Please don’t wait for me
Please don’t wait for me
Cause I’ll be late
I’ll be late
I’ll be late again
 
I know you’re there
Talking to a star
Asking where to go
Asking where you are
I’ve seen this night
Seen it in the sky
I’ve asked a thousand times
For God to make me fly
 
Please don’t wait for me
Please don’t wait for me
Please don’t wait for me
Cause I’ll be late
I’ll be late
I’ll be late again
 
I know you’re there
Talking to a star
Asking where to go
Asking where you are
I’ve seen this night
I’ve seen it in the sky
I’ve asked a thousand times
For God to make me fly
 
Please don’t wait for me
Please don’t wait for me
Please don’t wait for me
Cause I’ll be late
I’ll be late
I’ll be late again
 
Speaking at the end: Wow, a lot of good shit in there. Don’ t you think? (Me: uh, that’d be a no)
 
Nothing New
Fill me up with something clean
Something old and above your machine
Know I’m yours to borrow
Know I’m yours to borrow
Cause you got something astride you
That’s bringing you down
Something inside you been kicking around
Over and over and over and over again
 
And reason changes nothing
Nothing’s getting through
Reason changes nothing
Nothing changes you
Nothing new
Nothing
 
Disregard disloyalties
Are you open to making the peace?
Are you too lost to follow?
You’re far too lost to follow
 
Cause you’ve got something inside you that’s never been found
Something to hide you that kicked you around
Over and over and over and over and again
And reason changes nothing
Nothing’s getting through
Reason changes nothing
Nothing changes you
Nothing new
Nothing new
Nothing
 
Can I fill you up with something clean
<div style="MARGIN: 0in 0in0pt”>Something sweet and completely serene
No I’m yours tomorrow
Ya know I’m yours tomorrow
 
Cause you’ve got someone who’s goddamn opinions don’t count
[????????????????????] feet to the ground
Over and over and over and over again
Over and over and over again
Again
Again
Again
 
I have no idea how accurate those lyrics are. I just typed them out as I sang them. And the one line with all the question marks? I listened to it like five thousand times (or thereabouts) and I can’t figure out what he’s saying. I wasn’t 100% wild about this song the first time I heard him perform it (which is actually the only time I’ve heard him perform it at a live show, which was also the night that I was on the blind date) and when I heard the recorded track I thought it was okay. I still think his performance on the recorded track is *meh*, but I’m starting to really like the song itself. I wish I had the tab so I could play it. Oh well.
 
And now I’m sure you will never again ask me to update. Stream of consciousness… done.