Depression and PTSD

Summer is so hard for me, it always has been. When I was younger, it was when the abuse happened. When the abuse ended, I would make sure I kept myself super busy during the summer, so I wouldn’t have time to think about it.

Now, keeping myself busy doesn’t work as well. It’s not easy to stay busy when there’s nothing to do. No practices to go to, no camps, etc. It’s just me and my mind for most of the summer. That’s never been a good thing.

So, here we are with another summer. The depression is worse than usual and the PTSD is getting worse as well. When the PTSD get worse, so does the eating. It’s such a cycle and one that I know is coming, every time I get to relax. 

Today was awful. I spent most of it sleeping. I woke up around 9 am with a migraine and went back to sleep shortly afterwards. I woke up and didn’t have any fine motor control and was having through getting my hands to do what I wanted them to. I went back to sleep. I woke up around 7:30 pm and this is the longest I’ve been awake all day. It’s a little after 10 pm.  

I’m trying to keep myself busy, I just can’t motivate myself. I have magazines to read, textbooks to pre-read, etc. I could watch movies or TV shows on my computer, but again, I don’t have the motivation to do so. 

Sometimes I wish I could go to school year round just so I wouldn’t have almost four months of down time. I don’t know how to cope with it. The depression and PTSD latches on and doesn’t go away until I find a way to busy myself, which is usually when school starts. Until then, I’m just along for the ride.