Tuesday

Saner today. More sane?

I feel like I’m coming down off some very unpleasant amphetamine. For a few days there I just seemed spastic and frantic. Now reality has resumed. I wonder if it’s hormonal or if I’m just programmed to lose my shit every few months – like some fucked up rebooting system. You know? Everything keeps locking up and crashing and you realize there’s nothing can be done about it except back up all your files and reinstall Windows.

Regardless of why I can step outside the situation again and see facts and data and collate it into something that is understandable if not tangible. That makes the whole conceiving process easier. It makes everything easier.

I found myself wondering earlier if I use all my energy being cheerful at work. I don’t feel particularly friendly or cheery but that’s what I’m paid to do so wrangle it up from somewhere. Maybe by the time I get home all that lighthearted banter has just sucked the life right out of me. If so, that’s viciously unfair to my husband.

I’m trying to pinpoint why I’m having such a hard time giving a flying fuck about things. I know that’s very general. What things? Most things, I suppose. That 5K I signed up for is this Saturday. I quit running after my grandmother died which means I’ll end up walking it. I don’t really care either. It doesn’t matter to me that I gave up. I wish it did.

Then tomorrow I might care so much that I can’t concentrate unless the kitchen is clean, the laundry in baskets will eat away at me and I’ll feel guilty for every calorie that goes in my mouth. I keep searching for a balance in which I care but am not tormented. I hate the back and forth.

Ever since my appointment with that NP I keep diagnosing myself with things. I wondered if my anxiety is actually worse now that it had a name. I never called it "anxiety" before Friday. I never thought of it as something that could be medicated. The drugs help, to be sure, but to what end, I wonder? What I like about it is that it takes the edge off. I don’t second guess as much. I don’t feel as strained over stupid things that probably don’t bother the majority of the rest of the world. I still think about them and worry more than I should but it’s easier to let it go. It’s like it slows things down a touch. Like going 55mph instead of 70. You feel a little safer, can pay closer attention to world as it flies by.

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Today is my grandmother’s 70th birthday. She’s my last grandparent and the one I was closest to as I was growing up. I spent a good deal of time living with her as a kid. She’s killing my mother – literally and figuratively. I know that she is likely mentally ill at this point but I feel bitter toward her. Then I have moments like this morning where she sounds like herself and I miss her so much that I ache. I miss who she was.

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I should talk about Mom and what’s going on with her but that’s heavy and I’m in no mood.

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I talked to my cousin De a bit tonight. She’s the one that’s a veterinarian – most successful member of my family (depending on your individual perception of success). I called to ask her some questions about the dogs. I wanted to start taking them running with me but want to be safe about it. I cut the conversation short and made it obvious I didn’t want to chat. I did that because she does that to me and I wanted to beat her to it. I got the impression she wanted to keep talking though which made me regret my petty behavior. I need to be bigger than that. I get angry with her for being so dismissive and superior but a conversation with Mom the other day reminded me that she has lived one hellishly tough life. She tries to stay close to me which is more than she does with anyone else either from our family or her past. Who am I to judge?

Yeah…that was bitchy of me. She isn’t always kind to me but I’m not sure she knows how else to be. Still….fuck.

Whatever. I’ll call her again this weekend. Or text her so she can call when it suits her.

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I have these moments where I want so much to be closer to home. The reasons are obvious, I suppose. But there are other times where I feel genuinely happy here. I see so much more opportunity here than back home and the thought of leaving that potential for career success and security scares the shit out of me. I wish Utah were a little less geographically isolated from everything and everyone I love.

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Alright, I’m tapped out. We’ll try this again tomorrow.