Thursday

 

 

I don’t have anything I want to say. I’m just trying to keep up the communication lines, internal and otherwise. Since my appointment with that therapist (I change her title every time I talk about her) he has taken to asking me at least once a day, "Is there anything you want to talk to me about today?" He’s even been good about asking at times when I’m more likely to feel relaxed and chatty: late when we’re cuddling or curled up on the couch. It’s nice. Even if I don’t have anything significant to say I make it a point to say the most relevant thing that was on my mind recently, to talk about something that has kept me distracted. I need that, the pro-active inquiries.

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My period started this morning. I was more "meh" about it than I thought I might be. It was a day early which I’m grateful for. One less day to wonder.

I actually had this renewed sense of purpose this morning when I realized I was spotting. Like, "Okay, no baby. What can I do to improve myself? How can I make this next month better?" Cheesy but better than the alternative.

I tracked all my food today, ate 3 healthy(ish) meals and had a snack. I skipped the exercise because who wants to run when you feel like a giant water balloon? Felt better about getting finances in order. Paid the house bills and paid on one of our little debts. We have a lot debt, actually but it’s 9/10ths student loans. We’re finally getting on top of those. Finally accumulating a decent savings. This is a result of having the car paid off. There’s more wiggle room for things. I will never have another car payment if I can help it. Cheap, used, reliable from here to eternity.

I appreciate that Zac sells off old hobbies to pay for new ones. I cringe less at expenses. I just worry about the future. I have to have a plan and when there is no plan I slightly panicked every time I think of the lack of direction.

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Bleh. Enough about money. Boring.

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I took some Midol this morning which contained caffeine. I’m so sensitive to it that I was bouncing off the walls and jabbering like a fool. I hate/love that. Love the energy. Hate the blabbing. I feel like I’m giving away so much of myself by offering unsolicited info.

Agonized for a couple of hours off and on because I said something off hand to one of the therapists. After I walked off it occurred to me that it was poorly worded and could easily have been interpreted as snippy and judgmental….the opposite of what I intended.

I hate the unthinking way it poured out of my mouth and that I can’t just shrug it off thinking A)if he knows me at all he knows what I meant and B)if he doesn’t I shouldn’t give a fuck.

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We started letting the cat outdoors. She was driving us both nuts. This morning was easier. Apparently a few hours hopping around in the grass is all it takes to keep her from wailing her head off at 5am. I’m still torn on keeping her. I know that’s awful. I just think she might be happier if she was in a home with people who loved cats and had the time to pay attention to her. So much of the problem is just that she’s bored and lonely. We’re dog people. We’re dog people who are rarely home. I was in denial when I brought her home and decided to keep her. I had intended to just foster her but got attached. I’m still attached but…I don’t know. She’s awesome; I’m just not a cat person.

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Zac just showed me a video of Gordon Ramsay making scrambled eggs. Now it’s all I can think about.

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I hate that I only care about budgeting and dieting every other month. What happens on the off months?