Tense

Is there any way to type on the mobile site and have normal line breaks without using HTML code? I’d probably write more but that annoys me.

I’m so tense and anxious lately. This happened to the extreme after my dad’s parents died last year. It’s not to that level yet but I feel it a lot more frequently than I should. And,yes, I know that’s not good for the kiddo. I’m managing it but it’s a challenge.

I have some good news but I’m having a hard time being happy about it. I think that’s mostly the fault of the random anxiety. Anyway, I got promoted at work to a job I’ve wanted more or less since I started there. I’m an administrative secretary back in Provo now so no more front desk work and my commute just got cut down by about 15 minutes each way. I haven’t started yet; just did some training. They still need to hire my replacement and I have to train her. I should be back in Provo full time by the end of the month. Cool thing though: they let me have my raise starting this past week. Score.

I decided I’m going to try hypnobirthing. Feel free to keep any comments about the level of granola crunching that is to yourself. Anyway. I’ve researched the premise and read the birth boards of women who’ve tried it and I want to give it a go. I paid a deposit on the class and got the started tracks which truly helped me through my grandmother’s funeral trip. They’ve also helped a lot with the weird anxiety. So I have some hope it will be beneficial when the time comes.

However! I went to the class this morning and walked out after 15 minutes. It was too much. I knew right away that I was going to hate it. It was a potpourri of things all blending into giant, flashing “run” signs. Aside from the fundamental disagreement I had with the way the course is taught, there were a plethora of other annoyances that I couldn’t overcome, including (but not limited to) me being the only non-Mormon there. The instructor started off by telling us the birthing videos we were going to watch were “modest”.

Lady, I’ve personally witnessed two births. That is not a word that comes to mind when I recall either of them.

Then there was the fact that the seats were crappy fold out chairs that had me squirming in less than five minutes. I’m not spending 3 hours every Saturday in a fold out chair for anyone. I was so uncomfortable physically and mentally with the whole set up.

I feel guilty for bailing like I did but I couldn’t take it. I paid a deposit on the class. I consider that fair compensation for changing my mind. I bought thr home study course online as soon as I got home. I think that’s far more my speed, especially right now while I’m visiting anxiety-ville and social exposure to yet more Mormons on one of my few solitary days seems overwhelming.

I don’t mean to get all anti-Mormon but it’s mentally exhausting to be so continually surrounded by people whose core values and interests differ do greatly from your own. The woman I’m replacing has a “dammit doll” in her office. Google if you’ve never seen them, it’s kind of cute. But when we came back from lunch yesterday someone had walked into her office and flipped it around (its hanging on her wall) so you couldn’t see the “bad” word. They had to walk I to an office they had no business in just to see it in the first place. There’s no reason for anyone to be in that office but her and the other lady who occupies it (and she’s the one that bought it for her in the first place).

Just… Exhausting to never get to be yourself except inside your own home. It was refreshing to be around family a few weeks ago where I could just be me without having to second guess everything that comes out of my mouth.

We’re going out tonight and I need it. As a graduation present Zac bought us tickets to see the Utah Symphony perform the music of John Williams. That’s right, I’m excited about hearing a live performance of movie soundtracks! I may have a nerdgasm when they do the Imperial March or the Harry Potter theme.

I think that’s all I’ve really got. Oh! Had our last ultrasound for the research study we’re part of. They tried to get a 3D ultrasound of baby’s face but his feet were in front of it! How cute is that? We have one pic where you can see an eye and his little nose but for the most part it didn’t work out at all. It was fun watching them try though. I think that’s the last time we’ll get to see him in utero. 29 weeks as of Friday. I passed my gestational diabetes test and went over a vague outline of my birth plan with the Midwife. I’m feeling good about it. My biggest worry right now is that we’ve got the timing all off for Lainea and Mom to be here. It’s incredibly challenging to plan such a thing. Oh well. That’s part of the price we pay for being here. I’ll cross my fingers and ask the universe to be kind.