Stranger in a Strange Land

I don’t quite know what to say here. I feel like this whole event has divided my mind. Most of the time it really isn’t about the loss. It isn’t. I’m not sad about it, just sad or apathetic in some general indescribable way. I don’t feel like I have logical reasons for things. Work is harder. Housework is harder. I find myself questioning the whys of things. Why does it matter if I do or do not vacuum today? Or whatever. Then I have a little argument with myself where apathy usually wins, except at work where there aren’t really any options. I feel beaten by the time I get home. I find myself revealing bits and pieces of who I really am to them there and watching the confused or somewhat shocked faces. It’s like a time traveler trying to explain the future to someone. I’m not from here and they can’t grasp the nuances of the place that I am from, or that in that place these facts are not shocking. They’re banal, most of them, maybe even funny.

I don’t know why I keep trying. Sometimes I think I know how The Doctor must feel.

I told them today that I want to go back to part time so I can do school full time. I don’t know if it’ll happen. I just need a break from the current state of things and I don’t know how else to get it without doing something drastic.

I really want to do something drastic. Seriously. I want us to sell everything and become backpackers or something. Nomads. Somewhere there’s a thread of rationality that tells me that’s crazy but I can’t shake the feeling that something NEEDS to change.

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The bleeding continues. It’ll be 3 weeks Thursday. My doctor doesn’t seem concerned yet. I’m not concerned but I am over it.

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Did I mention I’m on Prozac now? For PPD?

That’s just not fair.

I don’t like psycho-altering drugs as a general rule but reentering society means I need to have some measure of control over myself and I didn’t. I still don’t always but it’s easier.