Ramble
Can’t sleep. Can’t articulate. I feel like no one gets it, even the ones who should. Because they experienced, perceived and interpreted everything their own way which most definitely was not my way or they wouldn’t be having loud conversations about babies in the next room.
I feel like I’m full of more thoughts and feelings than there are space for and if I let the Prozac wind down I can’t cast off the sense that what I really need, deep down is change. I need my life to be different somehow because I was expecting it to be, anticipating the ultimate redefinition.
Except now it’s just business as usual and I don’t know how to function as usual. I don’t know how to care that PEHP health insurance now requires preauthorization or that Medicare redefined their guidelines for stroke patients. But I did care before. I really, truly did. I cared because it affected the patients and my coworkers. It felt important to care for them.
Now I’m just shrinking into this hole where there’s barely room to care about anything outside myself. And I don’t want to take the only drug that widens the space because I’d rather be self reflective than obtuse and plastic. And orgasmless. That matters way more to me than Medicare right now.
Um, yeah, it would matter more to me, too. This is so self-aware, I am really impressed. (And that sounded SO condescending, I am really embarrassed.) “They” always say not to make any big changes after a life-altering event such as a divorce or a miscarriage; I always think, though, that we get so stripped down to BASICS at times like that, we’re more likely to realize what we really want. Or don’t want.
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*hugs*
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random noter: <3
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RYN: I don’t know, I looked at the book. I’ve been trying hard with the visualizations to help with coping. i’ve learned reading stuff like this in book form gets boring to me. I need it in tidbits here and there from different sources. I bought a book about coping with infertility, different methods, it bored the shit out of me. But, to listen to the author on podcasts I could relate. If you ever get bored, it’s a little out there, but I have a friend (sister of a friend actually) who has made a business of the spiritual/esoteric/fairy and UFO chasing stuff. I love listening to her youtube videos, she is so upbeat and positive. YOu might not like, but some of them are interesting. Check her out sometime. Charismelinabrown.com Watching shit like that helps me. It shows me people can be chill. long note going in circles. later chick
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mine keeps teasing me. I thought for the last 3 days it was on the way. But if it can wait one more day that might work out for a weekend insemination. TMI. O well. Grrr.
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Ryn: Thank you. You’re right, that could be part of it. The little boy smiled the same weird way in all the pictures, so there wasn’t much I could do on that part and maybe that’s what she meant. I don’t know.
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hello, your diary seems so interesting….friends?
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