Radical Acceptance* V-day Edit

Time to use my classic homework procrastination technique of updating OD! I do genuinely have a lot to write about so I won’t feel too guilty for the diversion.

First to gush a little bit before going on to the bitching segment of the entry:

IT’S A BOY!!

We had an ultrasound as part of the study I’m doing at the hospital on first time moms. After they took their measurements she went for a peak at the baby bits to see if she could tell gender. Baby was more than cooperative with a very immodest V pose. I was so shocked though that she took an extra look with the transvaginal wand after taking the measurements she needed from it. We had so many girl guesses from our early ultrasounds that it was a complete surprise. I know those are rarely ever accurate but I had already reconciled myself to the verdict. Not that I wouldn’t have been thrilled with a girl but honestly I think I wanted a boy. We went out to our favorite Italian place and just ordered dessert to celebrate afterward.

Work did a pool on the baby, guessing gender, birth date, weight, ect. I bought a small cake and little candy gifts for the people that guessed correctly. I got a blue bag of Dove chocolates and tied a little hot wheels car to each of them. I love that they’ve all been so involved and inquisitive about this pregnancy. It makes it easier to be far away from friends and family who would normally celebrate these things with me.

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Zac’s been nothing short of amazing these last few months. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy or just that we’ve found our rhythm again but it’s been great. He’s constantly helpful around the house and we’re both just more physical and affectionate. It’s been awesome. And my sex drive is finally back THANK GOD.

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I think every pregnancy book I’ve read says to not expect to start feeling the baby move till around 20 weeks. That’s just nonsense. I’m 18.5 right now and I’ve definitely been feeling him for over a month. I don’t think there’s anyone on my babycenter birth board that hasn’t had the same experience. While I’m sure there are people with different body shapes that don’t get definite movement till later, I really don’t think that is the standard for everyone. Granted I’m short so that’s a factor but I’m also overweight so somewhere those two things should balance out. Anyway, that was a nonsensical ramble.

The point being, as of yesterday I feel him all the time. It used to just be here and there and in certain positions but yesterday and today have been nonstop dance parties in my uterus. And…it’s awesome. It makes me  happy every time it happens. I think Zac is anxious to be able to feel something from the outside. He made a futile attempt this morning. He pressed down on my belly and asked if I could feel him moving. When I told him ‘no’ he shook my belly like an 8 ball. Lol. It didn’t help. Plus, what I’m feeling isn’t exactly internal Kung Fu.It’s more quivery little bumps and stretches. Those definitely aren’t going to be making to the outside for awhile.

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I’m two weeks away from being DONE with my Bachelor’s. I feel like it’s taken forever but I am extremely proud of myself for sticking with it and SO VERY ready for it to be over.

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Now for the bitching portion.

My family is an unmitigated disaster. I’ve known this for awhile. I don’t talk about it frequently, especially not here but lately it’s just overwhelming. I’ve found that I can deal with it better if I just keep a distance and accept that I can’t possibly do anything for them or to change them. They are who they are, they do what they do and my worrying or meddling is irrelevant. My therapist called this technique "radical acceptance" and it’s worked very well. For example, accepting that my dad is never really going to be a dad or make any attempt to involve himself in my life or accept my involvement into his means that I can love him and appreciate the little things he does do when they come up rather than feeling bitter that it’s all I get.

But right now my sister’s life is quickly turning into a train wreck and I can’t make myself just stand by the sidelines like I can when everyone else fucks up. I called her yesterday and just exploded on her and I know I shouldn’t have. Mom had already done the same thing. I had no intention of bringing any of it up but she wanted to talk about the argument she and Mom had and I couldn’t help but defend Mom which lead to my own little combustion.

What’s she doing? It’s so hard to explain. She went from working and going to school and making some effort to do something with her life to "dating" this low life that we know smokes pot and does coke. I put dating in quotes because she claims he’s not her boyfriend and will adamantly declare in front of him that she doesn’t love him but they are sleeping together and he’s supporting her….And you know, it isn’t even exactly the drugs I have a problem with. I’ve smoked pot. I spent a few years of my youth being a waste of air but I feel like I had some measure of intelligence about it. 

It’s more than just things I can lay out in a list though. I feel like she’s just too apathetic to make any effort to better herself. Her life won’t grow beyond what it is now: sleeping with a loser, drug user while living in a crappy trailer with no heat or a working stove. Everyone in that trailer has some kind of criminal record and when you ask her about it she starts spouting off excuses as to how none of it was their fault. They’re all just victims of circumstance. That just doesn’t happen. I don’t doubt that cops fuck up but that’s an awful lot of coincidence.

Sigh. I just don’t want a phone call from jail where she’s been arrested on a drug charge for hauling some asshole around to buy pot. She’s better than that.

There’s more to my family drama but I’m not sure I can write it out. My mom has backed herself into a royally fucked up situation with no end in sight. At least she’s coming closer to accepting that she can’t change it. She keeps trying to make her brothers and her mother make some effort to do things for themselves but that’s a futile task. They are who they are. It isn’t her fault or her problem if they all keel over from their own stupidity.

 

Yeah, enough of that. Back to work. I still read every day but I don’t always note. I just feel like I don’t have anything to contribute usually.

 

 

****You know what I almost forgot to write about?! Valentine’s day! Why does this matter? Because my non-holiday-celebrating husband who never once in the years we’ve been together has ever given me so much as a wildflower sent me live roses and a pot of succulents! I cried. And his card was just heart-wrenchingly sweet. It said that he looked forward to being a parent with me. I know he thinks flowers are a huge waste of money and I get that. But I love that he found a compromise and sent live ones. I LOVE flowers, especially succulents since they’re one of the only plants that really flourish in Utah. It just overwhelmed me. It was an awesome gesture made even more awesome by the fact that two weeks before I walked around Home Depot pining for a new plant because I am longing for spring.

Flowers at least make the house brighter and more inviting.