Processing

 As of today I’ve been aware of my pregnancy for one week. I still don’t feel like I’ve fully absorbed that. Something that I’ve always found remarkable when experiencing a life changing event: life around you continues to go on. I know that’s obvious and just the way of reality but every time I experience any significant joy or loss I can’t stop noticing the way the rest of the world detaches from the event or rather that I detach from the world so that I feel like I’m watching it moving rather than actually taking part in it.

Anyway.

School is difficult for me all of a sudden. My focus is totally shifted away from it when a week and a day ago it completely absorbed me. I’ve struggled a bit with the concept of being pregnant. It’s one thing to want something. It’s quite another to actually get it. I’m overjoyed of course but I’m also terrified and overwhelmed. I feel this need to detach from my friends and family because their enthusiasm is smothering. I love it. I do but I am also realizing that I don’t process as quickly or as publicly as a lot of my friends and family. When something significant happens I need to find time to be isolated and take it all it internally before I can really experience the full spread of emotions that the situation calls for.

My first reaction when I saw the test (and the whole rest of that day) was pure, unadulterated joy. It’s been a roller coaster since then. Worry and fear have dominated a lot of my thought processes. It just doesn’t seem real and not always feeling pregnant adds to that disbelief. But the symptoms are getting more pronounced and I find myself finally relaxing and enjoy it at moments, at least more moments than I find myself worrying.

I’m a wader, that’s all. The rest of the world can jump in head first if they want to but I need to ease out into the deep end before I feel safe enough to join them. Reading that book on introverts is helping me to accept that about myself without feeling like a weirdo.

As if in response to my complaints yesterday that I wasn’t feeling pregnant anymore, my body went into overdrive. I kept waking up last night because I tend to sleep half on my stomach/half on my side. My very tender breasts did not appreciate that position at all. Every time I rolled over into any position that wasn’t flat on my back I would wake up cradling my poor breasts.

All day today has been a battle against nausea. There were a few times when I planned my escape route to the bathroom but nothing ever happened.

It’s annoying and yet amazingly reassuring. Every time I almost puked I felt a little internal sigh of happiness. It means that things, at least for now, are okay.

I made my first prenatal appointment today. I chose a midwife group in Orem because they were the only ones that didn’t seem like they were totally against hospitals and medicine. I don’t get that, really I don’t. Medicine is not the enemy. It’s a tool. Use it wisely.

The can do every thing an OB can do except a cesarean and that’s what I wanted. I wanted the option for medical interventions without the necessity of them. Generally speaking, midwives tend to take a more natural approach to things. That’s what I was looking for.

I’m not 100% sure I’ll stay with them but it is certainly worth investigating. My only problem so far is that they only deliver at one hospital and it’s such a small one that it makes me squeamish. However, there are advantages to smaller facilities. It’s a tough decision and one that I feel totally ill-equipped to make.

 I’ve never been good at making choices. I get overwhelmed by all the details.

That’s all I can manage tonight. Hope everyone is having a lovely week.