Ordeal

Today was wretched. It was by far the worst day of the entire ordeal and it had nothing to do with anything physical. I tried to fill out my Leave of Absence paperwork because apparently if you miss more than 4 days for a medical reason you have to have this filled out. No problem, except the nurse I spoke to at my doctor’s office informed me that they wouldn’t fill out any paperwork that stated I needed to miss a certain amount of time since they never told me I needed to take off work for this.

Well…I fucking assumed, alright? And fuck it all if there wasn’t a "medical" reason. I didn’t exactly feel like delivering a placenta at work then answering phones and greeting patients like the all was bloody well right with the world.

Jesus. H.

I’m using PTO for all of this anyway so I don’t get it. By the end of the day I felt like I’d done battle and lost. I started crying when the nurse told me that and bawled off and on for two or three hours afterward. I was just so tired. I was so tired of explaining myself to compassionless people who delivered their information like over-rehearsed lines. I emailed the woman from HR (after getting no return calls to my messages) and explained the dr. office’s policy. To which she replied "They should be willing to write you an excuse."

"I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU THEY WON’T YOU IGNORANT CUNT!"

I couldn’t even reply to her. I just forwarded the message on to my supervisor asking her (jokingly) if this meant I was fired. The facts as I understand them at this point are that I cannot return to work until my provider signs off on my release and as my provider will not do that I cannot return to work. I’m sure there’s a loophole somewhere. They can’t just fire me because I don’t have a doctor’s note. It’s not even that I can’t get a note. The office is perfectly willing to fill out something that says I had a miscarriage and that I’m capable of working but they will not declare a number of days that I needed to miss…..which the document does ask to be completed.

It’s all a bunch of bureaucratic bullshit and it was my last straw. I was so frustrated. I got to this point where I COULD NOT stop crying. I cried until I ruined my pillow, then clean my face and showered so I could finish crying some place more conducive to the waterworks. I got out of there and was fine until Asshat from HR replied to my email and then lost it all over again.

It wasn’t just the papers and the stupidity of the system. I just felt it all crash down on me. All my ability to cope and exist as if life is just peachy went straight down the drain. I had to explain to no fewer than 6 different people today that I’ve had a miscarriage. Not 1 of them expressed even a sliver of compassion. I just felt so tired and so…thin after all of it.

 

And I’m dreading going back to work more than I can adequately express. I seem to snap under pressure lately. My math homework had me in tears the other night, now this nonsense with HR. What happens when I get a difficult patient? Like 30-40% of our patients ARE difficult. I’m afraid I’m just going to crumble. I’m going to break apart and there’s going to be no way to stop it. I work in such a busy office. I’m the only secretary to 8 different providers with 5 different specialties. It’s a juggling job and I’m so afraid that I just don’t have it in me to keep all the balls in the air in the right order. In short: I’m scared.

And I’m afraid it’s going to be awkward. Even talking on the phone with Jeannie today, I had this feeling that she was uncomfortable. She didn’t know what to say to me or that she was afraid of what I might say. It wasn’t a normal conversation. What if they’re all like that? What if I spend my first day watching them all walk on eggshells? I’m probably blowing it out or proportion. People like routines and I’m sure we’ll all fall back into one easily but I dread the adjustment period.

Zac said earlier, in his attempt to comfort me, "The hard part is over." 

But I don’t feel like it is. The physical part is easy because you have no control over it. It happens and you cope with it because what choice do you have? All the rest is your own will in action. And that’s hard. It’s hard getting a handle on your own head. Right now I’d greatly prefer to just bury mine in the sand and be done with it for awhile.

 

On a positive note I got my hair cut again. That’s relaxing. While there I noticed their spa is having some fall special on massages. I think I’ll call them tomorrow and schedule one.