Loaded Questions*

"Everybody asks me how she’s doing
Has she really lost her mind?
I said, I couldn’t tell you
I’ve lost mine."
-DMB
 
 
 
I keep getting texts and messages asking how I’m doing. I don’t know how I’m doing. I think I’m okay. Then I think the fact that I’m okay must mean that I have to be on the verge of just totally losing my shit. I don’t know. I keep almost crying or maybe leaking a tear here and there but 98% of the time I’m perfectly okay. A macabre routine has formed. Hurt, medicate, stop hurting, bathroom break, clean myself off, repeat.
 
I never expected the physical part to drag on. Somehow, in my mind, I thought 3-4 days MAX. We’re now on Day 4 with no signs of slowing down. The cramps I had this morning were the worst yet. An alternating of tylenol and ibprophen knocked them out unceremoniously inside of a couple of hours though.
 
There’s math homework to do. I don’t know if I can get it done on time. My instructor gave me an extension if I need it.
 
I don’t want to go back to work. I looked into short term disability. That option doesn’t really fit. It’s for 2 week+ absence. I don’t need that long but I hate to use all my PTO at the same time. I don’t want to go back while I’m bleeding and hurting. I definitely am not going back until I’ve "passed tissue". That’s a horrible thought. What’s more horrible is the thought of it happening at work though. How long is that going to take? 
 
Mostly I’m just not ready to fall back into that routine. I’m not ready to just let it go and forget it happened. Somehow that’s what going back to work means to me.
 
How do people go through this multiple times without totally breaking down?

***Totally broke down in the middle of my math exam. Math frustrates me in the best of times and there were two [extensive] sets of questions that covered information that was never in our homework. Thank God it was open book. I got an 89 and really have no idea how I pulled that off. I emailed the professor and told her of my frustration. I don’t mind exams. I just want some idea of what is going to be on them. Those two sets weren’t covered in any of our lectures either. I hate that.