Better

I should have written last night or this morning when I was feeling on top of the world. Well, maybe not quite on top but I had a better view than usual. This was due in part to getting an amazingly restful night’s sleep which is a rarity these days. But even before that I had a better outlook.
 
I’m blaming brain chemistry. It’s all that makes sense considering the severity of the swings. I’m honestly just hoping at this point to get through to the end. I don’t hate being pregnant but I don’t love it. I have moments where I do but overall, no, this isn’t something I’d want to want to do concurrently the way some women do. It’s wearing on my psyche.
 
I miss my sex life more than anything. I miss feeling attractive. I miss having a sense of self confidence about my appearance.
 
It’s not the belly. I think that’s what the more judgmental people don’t get. I can handle my huge belly and even the stretch marks that come with it. I don’t mind it. I love that it has a purpose. I love rubbing it even and knowing that my little guy is growing in there.
 
It’s all the rest. It’s the back hair that’s long enough for Zac to tug on. It’s the insane gas and poo that could (to quote Zac) “knock a buzzard off a shit wagon”. It’s the excess perspiration and my suddenly funky feet. There is nothing sexy about pregnancy and whoever said otherwise wasn’t looking at the whole picture. I feel like such a MAN. I want to be a woman again.  
 
I appreciate the notes from the last entry. I really did need to know that what I was feeling was normal. It’s not always like that. Most of the time I am excited about the adventure and I ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ just like anyone else when I feel him do certain things.
 
I just can’t keep a lid on my feelings lately. They run amok in opposite directions.
 
Overall though, life is good. I just need to find a way to focus on that when my emotions start running away with me.