What’s a Fiance to do?

So, I’m back. An adult now, where in my past ODventures I was just an angsty teen. Now a fiance, where once that angsty teen wondered if it would ever happen for me. It has!

However, it would seem that there is a catch. More on that later.

My name is Mer- I’m 24 and I live in a one-bedroom, upstairs condo-style apartment with my fiancee Connor. Connor came to me in a most unexpected way, and a most unexpected time. He was the best friend of my ex boyfriend… and once my ex cheated on me, Connor and I grew closer. It is more complicated than that… or maybe it isn’t. Some would say that it wasn’t right of us to get together, and that he disrespected my ex by pursuing a relationship with me. To those people I respectfully say THE MAN EFFING CHEATED ON ME- HE GETS NO SAY. Also, I didn’t ever expect us to get together…. these things just happen.

When I met Connor, we were both facing huge life problems. His girlfriend at the time had cheated on him, begged his forgiveness, and just as he was about to trust her again, she left him for the man who she had cheated on him with. This, on top of a grueling battle with clinical depression, pushed him to seek out a friend who was somewhat removed from his life that he could talk to. Having the mutual friend in my Ex, Connor and I became fast friends. Then, my Ex BECAME my Ex, and we magically had a common thread. We kept each other going, each for the other who at the time, we barely knew.

So now it is nearly 2 years later, and I am engaged. We were engaged last August, about a few months after he moved into my, now our apartment. We have 2 furbabies, black kitty cats. One, Beau, is 13 years young, the other, Isabelle, is a kitten we adopted at the end of October 2012. We also have a beardie (Bearded dragon, for those non-lizardy lovers out there) named Milo. Our house is messy, but it’s home, and for these nearly 2 years, we have had gone without a major fight- and not for avoiding one! We disagree on a semiregular basis, and we talk though the disagreements. As a Family and Child Studies degree recipient, I am not without the understanding that fights are normal, and that many couples have their big blowups and serious spats. I also pride myself on being able to spot, intro-and extro-spectively (yes I probably made that word up, so what?), what causes these problems in couples.

Last night, I discovered that Connor has been sexually chatting with other women on Kik messenger for the past 6 weeks or so. I also learned that he has been lying to me about his challenges with finishing college (he led me to believe that he is on track and doing just fine) and I learned a couple weeks ago that the new job he took back in November is basically eating away at his soul like a deranged mongoose. In essence, my fiancee is miserable- but not with me. He loves me, and I’m the only thing right in his world- his words. His words, and the emotions behind them back them up. As all of these things came to light last night, after he first lied about them, naturally I was upset. Some glass was broken, and somewhere in our house an XBox controller, could it be given a voice, is whimpering "why did I fly? why me?!"

I lost my temper a little.

My mistake though, after breaking the glass in anger, was leaving the depressed and defeated man alone in a room with the broken glass for all of 30 seconds while I stormed off to the bedroom to try this thing called breathing. The second I sat down on the bed I realized my error, got back up and when I opened the bedroom door, there he was. 

We went back to the living room, and in a calm and firm voice, I asked him why he was sexting random women like a college freshman; what I wanted to ask was what wasn’t I doing to help him. Once I got all the big pieces, I glanced past his arm and saw the bright red slashes and a streak of blood. My heart sank, and my impulsive fear was realized. My fiance had cut himself for the first time since long before I met him, and I felt responsible.

I cleaned him up and did my best to bandage him. I insisted that we go to the hospital- he panicked. He even sat down on the floor and hyperventilated, insisting he couldn’t go back to the hospital. He was exhausted and sedate, calm between bursts of sobs. Apologies and swears of love came in waves. I put peroxide on his wounds as he told me about his fear that I would leave, and his reasons for talking to other women. Primarily, he reluctantly cited the fact that my method of contraceptive (that I only just recently discontinued) lowers my sex-drive drastically as opposed to simply preventing conception in the first place. Instead of preventing babies, it just prevented sex… period. And I will admit, we had very little intimacy for a long time. It bothered us both greatly.
 

After it all, he slept. I didn’t. We both stayed home from work and went to see his therapist. The doctor evaluated it as a way he has been using to cope with the huge stressors in his life; financial, emotional, educational and relationship. After millions of sighs and talks and hugs and kisses we are on the mend, but as I laid myself down to sleep tonight, I still discovered all of this swirling in my mind. I looked back to the days where I would write poems and stories, and of course my good old online journals. I missed my OD. I missed the release and closure of typing out what was bothering me, and, in doing so, finding clarity and serenity. To write it down is to put it away. To find peace.
 

And so I return. I hope.