life and advice needed

I always seem to leave incredibly large gaps in between my postings. but things in my life stay at the same level of hell.

school’s school as always. my grades haven’t been posted yet, but I hope I did well. I want to graduate Cum Laude from college, which apparently, not a ton of people do from my school. next semester is my last semester at college then i’m being thrust into the real world and I’m not ready for it. My parents ask if I’m going to grad school or searching for jobs and I don’t even want to talk about it. It stresses me out beyond belief. I don’t have a ton of money saved and i don’t know if I would be able to move out on my own.

I have this insane plan in my head. INSANE. and it’s all because of a boy. I dated a boy when I was a sophomore, in 2008ish, for a little. I adored him and thought he could do no wrong. He was my Mr. Right. A smart guy who was a fire fighter/ems and was a looker. We didn’t date long and the way we ended never made sense to me. He was sick in the hospital and his phone was turned off, I guess. I never questioned him.  We went a long time without talking, but I always worried about him. Maybe he was hurt in a call? Maybe he was sick? Maybe even worse. I never stopped thinking about him from December 2007 until now.   We managed to reconnect via facebook and talked. He had a new girlfriend who was very controlling and didn’t let him talk to people. We hung out once when he lied to her, saying he worked that day. It turns out the girl used him as a sperm donator, and as soon as she had a healthy babe, she dropped him. After he stayed with her through everything and even paid for alot of her stuff.

He was devestated and needed a friend. He asked me to text him so we could talk. That was in november. He moved to NY state, I live in Pa. about 2 hours away.  He’s working there and knew noone. He needed a friend to talk to. and I’ve done that as best as i could. he knows, i think, that if he needed anything i would help him out as much as i could. He wanted to come visit me, I think. But hasn’t been able to. All I want to do is be there for him for everything. he someone he feels completely safe talking to. He says he cares about me, but I don’t know how much nor do I think he knows how much I care for him. It’s insane and I feel stupid for caring so much. He’s also the kind of guy that I would never use the "L" word on. but sometimes i’m at a loss of what other word i could use to describe it. it’s more than lust. i think.

and this leads to my insane idea. to move to the city he lives in to try to work after I graduate. I asked him about it and he said "go where your heart takes you" and well right now it’s telling me to go there. But my brains saying i’m insane. I always thought going somewhere just for a boy is the stupidest thing you could ever do but now i’m considering it. I would not move in with him, but just be in the same city. I have 2 other friends there so I wouldn’t be alone.

Am I insane? I feel insane. But I want him and I want him to know I’ll be there for him.