Life

I realized I have not been on this site in quite some time. In this time quite alot has happened. I wish I could say my life has gotten better, but that would, in a way, be a lie. It’s grown dramatic.

I have grown alot since then. I’ve learned alot of good things and alot of bad. I have also been hurt enormously. I’ve fallen for alot of guys. The ones I get aren’t the ones I should be with, the ones I want are the ones I see as untouchable. I feel like I’ve degraded myself for their love and admiration. If they want something, I’ll do it because I want them to love me more. Be it spend money, time, energy, etc on them, I’ve done it.

I dated a guy who lied to me about his age, his name, and him being single. He had been with a girl for over a year. She threatened to kill me when she found out….I had no clue.
I dated a fire fighter. A hottie. I wanted it to go far, but he was so busy. He got sick and work went bad. He lost his appartment, his phone, and was in the hospital for awhile. We consiquently ended because of this. I didn’t know he was sick…i don’t know what happened

I dated a high school grad. 18 years old and never had a serious relationship. I didn’t think it would work in the begining. I was far more mature than he and still am. We were together for 5 months, half of it was great half not so much. Spent every minute together it seems. Playing baseball, watching baseball, playing tennis, biking, hiking, shopping, everything. He wanted me to marry him. He wanted me to have his baby. He also cheated. And continued to talk to every hot single girl that would talk to him while we were together. When we’d fight, he’d say he was going to kill himself. He would climb on the roof, grab a belt or rope to hang himself, or do something else crazy. I always ran right over to calm him down, always. I got myself into so much trouble with my parents. After dealing with alot, talking to friends and my counselor, I decided it wasn’t good for me to be with him. He made me so depressed. At first things were good, we were going to get an appartment this up comming summer and all of this other lovely couple stuff. But he was scared of commitment supposidly and cheated. I never was able to trust him again. Maybe because he didn’t even tell me, the other girl did. When I broke up with him, he climbed onto his roof, then went down stairs and grabbed a knife and ran it along his wrists. My normal first reaction would have been to grab it, but i was scared to. He used to push me up against the wall if i tried to leave during a fight or pull me to the ground when I’d try to walk away. I thought maybe hed cut me, so I told him to drop it. He eventually did as he wept. When I left his house, he banged his head against a wall crying. I drove away and began to cry myself.
When I got home, I was balling. I have broken up with people before, but not someone I had spent so much time with. It was so hard. And for three months after that, he still tryed to get me back.

Then there was this other dude. He liked me, even said he "loved" me before anything happened between us. He was sweet but always ended up crying uncontrollably. We hung out some, but I told him we would never be a couple. He took it hard as he had such strong feelings for me. He started to date someone else but would always tell me how he’d rather be with me, how i made him so happy.

Then I dated a steelers fan. I hung out with this guy for a few days before dating, found him so sweet. He asked me out over text and the next time I saw him, he has a dozen red long stemed roses and a card for me. I had never recieved flowers so I just stared in awe, for a long time. He got me roses. He would take me to dinner and the movies. We went to the Tom Ridge Environmental Center together because he thought I would like it (which I did). We went to Pittsburgh together where I meet his mom, his pap, and his step brother. When he went back to home after the weekend, he totaled his car. He was fine but the car was a gonner. The next weekend he came to visit me with his aunts car and brought me 3 roses and a card. Why? Because he made me worry about him when he wrecked.  We watched the super bowl together and a week later, I ended it. 
Someone else came along and looked so smooth to me that I ended it with Steelers fan. Mr Smooth turned into Mr. Bitch. He whined like a little girl and ate like a king on my tab. He said he’d pay me back 100 for food and 100 just because… He outlived his visit with me. From Friday-Thursday. He was supposed to leave sunday…. Tuesday, he wanted to horse play and I didn’t. he took a swing and I blocked it with my left hand. He hurt my hand, nothing big though. Wednesday, the same bloody thing. Took a hard hard swing and this time he hurt my hand good. I would have decked him except my hand was fed. I immediately put a cold water bottle on it for a long time.

That night I couldn’t sleep. Left my room and went to the dorm kitchen, where I texted my bestfriend and told her he hurt me and it was bad. Then I talked to Steelers fan. I hadn’t gotten over him, still loved him (or how i interpret love) I sat alone in the kitchen for over half an hour with a roll of toilet paper for my tears. Thursday morning, he left.
  I couldn’t bend my middle finger much and my pointer finger was swelling up. On Saturday, I decided to go to the ER to get xrays. My friend and I were dropped off by security, who we lied to about what happened. We sat in the hospital for three + hours watching a women loose blood…, kids crying, etc. Three xrays later, they gave me a metal splint and a script for vicodine for the pain. Nothing was broken, but it was sprained. My friend and I went back to school and then watched A Walk to Remember. It was Valentines Day. My boyfriend had given me a metal finger.
I stayed with him for a while longer. The next weekend he was supposed to come visit, but I was still so angry at him and agitated by him that I didn’t want him to visit so I made up an excuse. He was so pissed. Almost called me a b. It was bad. When I told him he couldn’t come, he started yelling and swearing at me. He had risen his voice several times. He had many characteristics similar to high school graduation captain suicide. It scared me. I decided to stay with him until I got the money, but as time went on, he bitched more and swore more and yelled more and I couldn’t take it. I broke up with him. Then all hell started. A girl I went to hs with took his phone and started calling me every name in the book. A whore, slut, stupid, retard, fat, ugly, cow. Then she called me a bitch, and I got pissed. A text fight continued all night. When I got back to my room, I called my mom to tell her how I was upset. Instead of being supportive, she told me I was stupid! Needless to say I hung up on her. She called back and yelled at me for hanging up and I hung up again. I talked to my dad then. He said I had to go to security since sir punch alot was saying he was going to come to my school to see me and junk.
The next morning I went to security, dropped off two pictures and filed a report with them about who he was and how i was scared. That day he continued bothering me. Then his "state officer" cousin started texting me saying she

was going to arrest me for harrassment… By then I was fed up, called my dad, he told me to call security. An officer came, we talked and I sent one final text to him. "Please do not contact me or have anyone contact me on your behalf. I have filed a report against you with campus security. If continued, I will take legal action" Since then, I have recieved 6 texts, messages on myspace and another site, and a voice mail.

I’m still into the steelrs fan but I don’t know how to feel about it all. I told a friend I had three criteria for a good boyfriend. One, brains. Two, Nice. Three, Pleasing. I have yet to find one that fits the above three. Either they are none existent or I’m looking in the wrong places, or taken.

In additonal life, school. I am doing well. Have above a 3.0, taking high level courses and working when I can. I’m in my fourth semester of Chinese and I’m going to China in may. I figure my Chinese will be obliterated there, but it’ll give me practice. I’ve learned how to Tango, Waltz, Contra, write scientific papers, figure out pay back times, write Chinese characters, wire lights for plays/shows, set up a whole audio rig, tell when someone is being trafficed as a sex slave, save trees, avoid natural disasters, what green cleaning products are good, remodel a buidling to be green, deal with the death of a friend, help a boss with the death of his wife, be friendly, keep my mouth shut, use my brain more, read better, work harder, concentrate more, the history of ancient China, the politics of China, that wind turbins don’t kill many birds, skyscrapers kill more, that I can hip hop dance infront of over 200 people, that I can sing Chinese infront of over 75 people, that I can drink alot and not get sick, that I can have fun without alcohol, that girls nights are very important, to take advantage of free things, especially free shirts, that I deserve better in my life, that it doesn’t hurt to tell a parent you love or miss them, that silly boys shouldn’t control your life, that friends are more important than flings, working hard equals a nice pay check and a good reputation, campus security does more than drive around and ticket people, mice do live in dorms, you can;t make everyone happy all of the time, don’t always put other peoples feelings before your own, don’t be pushed aside, work for your grade, work for what you want.

I can say I’ve learned these things, practice most of them, but not all. I want to be independent soon. I adore my house and my dogs, but living here with the people is hard. In a room draw situation, I would never confirm them as room mates. When I graduate, I want to do something with my life, I don’t want to be a random hippie es major who hugs trees, I want to make a difference somewhere, even if it’s in a small village in a third world country. I want to be appreciated not for my boobs but for my brain. I think I have something in my brain, or I wouldn’t be where I am. I might not always use my brain, but its there.

I also want legitimate love. I don’t know what this is right now, but I want it someday. I have crushes now but who knows what will happen. my normal lovely self says nothing will happen with them, but alas that is how i currently work. A malfunctioning clock. I know inside i should say one thing, but i present a totally different time. someday i hope to be synchronized.

I want alot in life actually. I don’t often share my goals. I want to travel more, I want to adopt, I want a good life for my kids. A nice house, pets, health care. I don’t care if I make the history books, but I want someone somewhere to realize I did something right with my life and that it helped people. I have some big ambitions for now. Time will tell I guess. I just wish some weight would come off my shoulders, a little less on my plate. A good friend by my side. and of course a dog, or eight.