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Hate. is currently what I feel. I am pissed and I hate. I hate myself for the person I am, I hate myself for the mistakes I’ve done. I hate myself for falling. I hate myself for how i look, for how i am, for how i act, for how i have no confidence, that i sell my self out to anyone.
I hate my anger, I hate how I can’t get rid of it, I hate how I love, I hate who I hurt, I HATE HOW ANGRY I AM!
recently people have been falling for me and i haven’t really liked em, i’m mostly nice to em, go along with it, jus don’t go as far. and now I’ve fallen for someone, and he’s treating me how i treated eveyrone else. i think. he isn’t really. i don’t know. I am so confused. some hours things seem great, others things horrible. I am so used to being told on day 2 that the person loves me, i am almost used to it, and he isn’t like that and it’s almost freaking me out. but at the same time i know he’s realer than the others. who can love after a few days? and then there is another man who harasses me sexually. wants to sleep with me, see pics of me, etc. i can’t get rid of him. and then today i get another man who was all sweet than i speak to him and he goes "i’m jacking off my nice cock, can u give me any pics to help" so i sign out of the messenger with disgust. than he messages me saying i’m a retarded fuck for not getting a joke and saying that i am stuck up because i woundn’t show him my body. he just kept insulting me FOR BEING DECENT. and he angered me. he angered me because he was an ass. he insulted me for trying to be a decent woman. he angered me even more though because i’m pissed and i have no one to talk to, the guy i like is sleeping, bryan is sleeping, alexis is probably sleeping, and who else can i talk to bout such things. I couldn’t even talk to the guy i like about it because i don’t know/ understand how he feels. one day saying we’re not together than the next saying we’ll be together for a long time. I’m confused as fuck, trying to not fuck around with others heads when i’m interested in him, trying to be decent, trying to collect myself. but all i want to do right now i cry and beat the shit out of something. i don’t know why such people have such influences on me, but they do!
for some reason, ass angered me so much i imagined myself hanging from a noose outside of my window. someone telling the guy i like that i’m dead. no reason given, no inquiries. I’ve been suicidal since i was in middle school and i’ve beeen doing bettet, but when fuckers like this throw off my chi than i’m fucked. i’m depressed, anrgy, frustrated, turn to the drink and angry music. i want to punch a wall, i want to curl up and die. i am so mad right now i can’t even describe all i can do is drink move my body to the music and type. my thoughs are so ingrained in my head that i don’t even have to pay attention to whay i’m typing it comes out of my fingers with force, angry mad force. i just want to fucking cry and punch something and get drunk and just break shit, break alot of shit. i donb’t even know right now. why do i let such people anger me? WHAT DOES HIS VIEW OF ME MATTER?!?!?!!!!! i don’t fucking know, but it sure is pissing me the fuck off. I JUST WANT TO TRY TO LIVEE A GODDAMN DECENT LIFE! holy fuck.  i want to hike, i want to play soccer, punch something, break shit.    i guess this shit has just been building up within me.
i’ve been sick. tired, behind, finals, boys, life, drama, and i can’t fucking deal with it. i just want to go to some foreign country and leave all of this behind. get rid of sick fucks who won’t leave me alone, have one person who cares for me and i actually understand. dogs. music. booze. and fun. that’s all i want. not drama, not fuckers, not sick fucks.
i need to calm down. i sound like a god damn emo child. fuck this shit. fuck it. i don’t need to deal with sick fucks, i don’t need their drama and their anger. I can find someone who will talk to me and appreciate me. not a sick fucker whose first words are asking for pictures. my body isn’t even beautiful, why the fuck do they want to see it?  IF YOU WANT TO SEE SOMEONES BODY, GO TO A FUCKING PORN SITE AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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