Broken.

I’m 29 now and feel more jaded than ever. I had a man who loved me to the moon And back and would literally do anything for me. I ended it because I didn’t love him. How the fuck couldn’t I love him? Now I’ve got a new man and I should be all butterflies and shit, but all I am is pessimistic. Waiting for something to go wrong, waiting for us to not mesh on one topic and be done. He says I should hold onto my convictions and not get rid of them to please someone but if I hold on to them, I feel like I’ll lose him. i want things to just go organically but I can’t. When I’m not talking to him, I’m waiting for a text saying “ya know, maybe this was a mistake” and the worst part is I’m asking myself the same thing. I want to talk to him about it but I also feel like it would be instant sabotage. Who wants to hear there s.o. Saying yeah I have no clue if this shit will work, but let’s give it a go?

I, for whatever reason, feel like I can’t love anymore. If I couldn’t love a man who would legit do anything for me, then there’s gotta be something wrong with me.  I loved my ex before him, or I believe so. My new man and I have a major common ground. We could talk on the subject for hours. I should be glad. But my mind is full of doubt. I swear to god I’m broken somehow. I know I didn’t have good role models for relationships, or expressing feelings, or just dealing with life in general, but damn, let me catch one break.

I know people say you’ve got love yourself before you love others bull, but I’ve loved others without loving myself so I know I’m capable.

I watched a sad film tonight and ugly cried at the end. I needed to cry in general but I hate crying over my own emotions. If I cry over a film, then I have a more valid excuse. After the film was over, my head was spinning, I wanted to message my bf and ask him he truly thought we had a chance or if we were just kidding ourselves. I wanted to feel pain, I actually wanted to cut for the first time in years. I used to cut my upper leg, I did it to feel the pain release, not to try to kill myself. But I knew my bf would see the marks. So instead I melted a candle and put hot wax on my upper leg. It hurt some but not enough. I thought about what my life consisted of. Unhappiness, depression, anxiety, failure, disappointment. Who would miss me? My dog, my brother, my boyfriend. He had a friend kill herself when he was in h.s. It really fucked him up. I don’t want to fuck someone up. My brother would be lost but I could leave him what funds I have to try to help him out. My dog. She’s literally the only thing keeping me going sometimes. I wonder and worry about what would happen to her. She’s my life.

Others would be sad but they’d forget. I’m not a memorable person. I just don’t want to live my life feeling like this forever. When I was in elementary school, I wrote notes that I wanted to die. I’m almost 30 now and I still think about it. I see a counselor, I take meds, I try, but I’m still broken. I don’t want to be broken any more. I never wanted to be broken. Superglue and ductape can fix almost everything, but they can’t fix me. I just don’t want to be broken anymore.