would you take me to see the penguins?

i love penguins.  did you know that?  they make me laugh.  They look like little fat german soldiers in tuxedos.  when they dive into the water with their arms all stiff at their sides… it’s so funny. 
i want the innocent part of love.  Everyone loves me. Everyone loves my body.  Everyone wants to feel it and make me feel good like that.  but that’s not what i want.  i dont want it at all.  I just want you to hold my hand and kiss my cheek and tuck me into bed without thinking about getting into it with me and take me to see the penguins at the zoo because they make me laugh.  i wish you knew how much i still love you.  I dont know if you’ll ever love me other than physically.  I can hope.  i Do hope with all my might.
my heart hurts.  I love talking to you at night.  i love hearing your voice before i go to bed.  but i wish you wanted to hold me and kiss my forehead not do sexual things with me.  i mean… i understand the want.  i just wish it was something that had to do with real love that you wanted.  sex has nothing to do with love. 
i need you to love me in the pure and innocent way that has nothing to do with how hot i am or how sexy we look together i want the kind of love where everyone knows about it because when they see us together they can tell we’re in love. and even if they dont see us together you tell them because it makes you happy or i tell them because i’m not afraid you’ll take it back.
i’m always afraid that you’ll take it back you know?  Every time you love me you take it back… or you just stop saying it… or you just stop feeling it.  what is it you feel for me now? do you like talking to me?  i know you miss me.  do you really like me?  do you want to see what could happen between us like you said about Hillary? (do you still talk to her? i shouldn’t care but i guess i do) do you really care about me?  do you want to spend your future with me?  i can’t read you baby.  you hide your emotions from me.  What are you afraid of?  why do you not want to tell me what you feel?  is it just that you dont feel anything?
i know you told me you loved me before i left… it’s just that so much has happened since then.  it doesn’t ring true anymore.  some things just bear repeting. 
It’s easy to write this down here.  I want you to know… i just… i dont want to tell you and have you get upset with me.  i guess it’s easy to write it down here because you probably dont read this stuff… i mean… i guess i would like you to…
I really wish you could come to see me.  i know… you dont have a way and you’re busy with stuff.  i just… wish you could find a way.  i wish you could come to me.  i miss you.  i miss being able to tell you things in person.
i guess that’s enough emotion for one entry…

crystal 

p.s. i dont want to tell you i love you if you’re not going to say it back