the same old tricks

do you beleive that there’s a plan for everyone… romantically in particular.  I’m not exactly sure what i believe.  I know there has to be some input on our part, we can’t just wait for love to happen to us… but how much?  When do you try? and how do you know if it’s the plan happening to you or you making something else happen?
It all comes down to this. For about a month i’ve been so sure I never wanted to see Zakk again.  never wanted to hear from him if it comes down to it.  Just didn’t want him a part of my life anymore.  He’s been texting and I didn’t really mind, but i didn’t really like it.  He asked me if i was over him and i said yes.  it was a lie but it was closer to the truth than telling the actual truth.  What i meant was that i was trying to be and i wanted to be and i was well on my way. 
The thing is he’s been out of my mind since he left.  Most days i didn’t think about him at all.  maybe that’s why i thought i was over him.  because i didn’t ever examine it.
I was in florida this weekend.  Scuba Diving.  It was beautiful.  And on the boat ride home, after i was tired and my defenses were down, it made me think of Zakk, not Josh… the boyfriend who is totally devoted to me.  Just a silly thought that wouldn’t get out of my mind.  When my dad and i were walking the next day my dad mentioned that he thought i had lied about being over zakk and thought it was odd.  I said it was better for both of us that way.  then he said something about a favorite shirt which meant no one is ever over someone they love that much. 
so true. 
He texted me all weekend but last night i texted back.  we had a conversation and he asked me again if i was really over him.  i didn’t say no.  i didn’t say yes.  i just said the truth wouldn’t help either of us. when we were done talking i wondered when he’d text again. before i didn’t care.  and the truth is, being here has been breaking my heart but it’s more than i’ve felt in months and it’s almost welcome.  this morning, the thought of kissing him on the cheek gave me more butterfiles than the thought of the welcome i’ll get when i get home to josh.
I’m through with chasing and i’m through with waiting.  And when i get back to dallas i’m going to do my best to forget about him and this and just be content with josh.  but if he wants it badly enough he’ll come someday. and i think if he does, i’ll have coffee with him and catch up. I don’t have it from there. but he’s sure he’s going to iraq soon so it will be a while and i’ll have time to figure that out.
My pride hates this.  Thinking of what whitney would say, or cheryl.  Of what my parents would think. if i were to admit to giving these thoughts a place in my mind.
Anyway.  i hope he doesn’t die, and if he’s ever in dallas, i hope he stops by.

Crystal