self destructive behavior.

Yesterday sucked.  I was just feeling totally helpless.  I couldn’t even bring myself to make dinner so i ordered chinese food.  Cashew Chicken.  Which made me totally sick and guilty because i’m a Vegan and haven’t eaten chicken in over a  year.   Then i watched the entire first season of samantha who.  It’s no greys anatomy, but it was distracting.  believe me, i needed to be distracted.  I could not think of one thing that i wanted to do that didn’t involve self destruction in some way.  I wrote Zakk a long letter, but I’m starting to get discouraged.  It’s been a week, and I know they’re busy but I haven’t heard anything, no emails, no call, no letter.  It’s hard for someone like me.  I get really insecure in relationships if I don’t get affirmation every day.  *sigh*  this has to make us stronger.  i really hope it does.
I also had a rediculous dream last night: just proof of my insecurity.  It involved email, Zakks buddies, zakks buddies girlfriend, a car trip, a crappy room, pink glittery little mermaid towels and soap and a webcam.  I’m not going to go into it because it’s too deluded, but just to say something… i feel like poo this morning.