What am I doing?

 In the past month I have attended a series of motivational and potentially life changing events starting with a Black Affairs Advisory Council conference. I have never been all “Black Power” mainly because I was raised in a predominately white family and because I disagree with the whole “man holding me down, want my reparations” movement, but I digress. One of the speakers there was the Honorable Jude Dominique Collins. Her story was spectacular in the fact that it was “not spectacular.” She had what I perceived as a normal childhood, two parents, went to school, rebellious teenager you know the norm. So she told us how she joined the military and served for a few years, she told us how she always wanted to be Lawyer and how at age 33, and she asked herself “What am I doing?” and made the scary decision sell her house and go back to school. She was so motivational because she was real, in spite of her title she was very down to earth, she had power, but without that typical I’m black, I’m woman, and I have something to prove mentality. On top of all that she was one of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen. I love it and was motivated by it.

My next event came just a couple weeks later. As you know my hubby is finishing his internship with the FDIC, which is motivation in itself. This past week I accompanied my hubby to his capstone week here in Arlington, VA. We are 15 minutes from D.C. and it is a city full of motivation. I mean it is the home of the highest American position (The President). We walked all the way from the Arlington Cemetery to the Lincoln Memorial, to the White House, which was closed off and motivational in and of itself, but as we were walking I was overwhelmed by all of the joggers. There were hundreds of joggers all over the place and I was so caught up in the moment that I was almost tempted to take off jogging myself, Almost.

One night we were fortunate enough to visit with my niece whom I haven’t seen in awhile and she is doing amazing. She has such a level head and it was amazing to see how far she has come. She got pregnant right out of high school and while some mothers in her situation would have fallen victim to the stereotype, she did not. She decided to move on with her plans to become a nurse. She started working at a hospital where she met a woman who introduced my niece to her son, they dated from 30 hours away until she eventually moved in with him, moving and having a child caused her to alter her career path so she had to put school on hold, she started working as a bank teller and in two short years worked her way up to a managerial position which has now led her on the path of finance. She will be going back to school; her job will pay for it, and get a degree in finance. It was just sooo nice to see her with her life together.

The most significant thing to happen was my grandfather passing away. If you read a couple entries back, you will find that my feelings are quite neutral. The life changing / motivational moment came when my aunt posted her facebook note about him being a pedophile. As I did not know him nor had I ever heard anything about this, I still had no feelings either negative or positive towards him or his death. What it did do was open old wounds. It took my aunt over 50 years and the death of her abuser to finally be free. I really don’t want that for myself. It has already been over 20 years since my first abuser and it has been 17 since my last and I ask myself, first how do I get past this and second at what point do I stop “blaming” my abusers for my current issues with intimacy. Lastly would confronting my abuser face to face be more hurtful than helpful. These are things I need to think about and I have been motivated to truly get over my issues and anger with my abusers, my family, and myself. I have been really motivated to get over everything and move on in the pursuit of happiness.

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